As I was lying in bed this morning, I recalled a conversation from years ago.
I was speaking with a very good friend, a man who had endured many hard times but had always trusted the Lord. We shared stories of trials that seemed hopeless in that moment, until God showed up and made a way where there had seemed to be no way. We both concluded that God was always faithful, even though we did not always understand His ways. And then I made a statement that caused both of us to pause for just a moment,
- "There is a feeling when the weight of the heartache is lifted, that moment when you know that God has just answered your prayer. You take in a deep breath, and your heart feels as light as the air that has just filled your lungs. You have just witnessed the miracle and you know that everything has just worked itself out.
One day, I hope to have the kind of faith that can experience that kind of feeling, without yet having received my answer. To stand in the middle of the trial with the peace of completely trusting God with the outcome. A heart that is light, while the burden is still heavy." -
It has been at least ten years since I had that conversation, yet I still recall it as if it had just taken place ten minutes ago.
There has been a great deal on my mind recently, but as I was lying in bed this morning I came to a realization. Today I have the opportunity to experience that kind of faith. The faith of Job when he declared, "Naked I came out from my mother's womb, and naked I will return there. Yahweh gives, and Yahweh takes. Let Yahweh's name be blessed." Job 1:21; or when he pleaded in 13:15, "Even though he kills me, I'll continue to hope in him. At least I'll be able to argue my case to his face!"
Job never knew that his story was going to be written down so that we might study it, and be encouraged by it for thousands of years. There are two key factors that are central to the story of Job, his suffering and his faith. Both were recorded so that we might fully see the greatness of God.
The most difficult thing to share is that we don't always understand what God is doing, or how things are going to play out in the end. Especially when we don't know what could have been done differently.
It becomes increasingly difficult to lie to the people of God, especially when you feel the Lord compelling you to be open with them.
Friday night I was at the church for a special service. I had gotten there early and was just enjoying wandering around, striking up random conversations and catching up with friends. I found myself talking with Pastor Joe. We talked about his recent vacation to New York, we talked about our families and our children, and then he asked me how I was doing. I gave my usual answer that I was okay, but somehow in that moment, I could tell that he saw through that answer.
He asked again, "No, really, how are you doing?"
I insisted, "I'm fine, I'm just feeling too old for all of this, I'm probably just tired."
I could see in his eyes that he was seeing more than I was ready to share, but he didn't press. He did make the comment that Moses was eighty years old when God used him to bring Israel out of Egypt, So I was still young and God has plenty of time to use me. Pastor Joe said, "You know that your second half can still be greater than the first." At that, we chuckled, I gave him a hug, and we went on our way.
Saturday morning I woke around six a.m. I decided to go for a walk, I needed to pray and hopefully clear my head a bit. There are some things coming this week that I don't want to tell you about, things that seem too personal, things that make me feel vulnerable when spoken aloud. But for whatever His reasons, God told me that He was going to make me a "spectacle". Last year He set things into motion with my health, and our family that has caused many people to take notice of our lives. So what I share now is not to gain sympathy, nor is it because I am in despair or afraid. I want the opportunity to stand before men and God and say that even though this weight might crush me, my heart is light because I trust my God.
Last Thursday, I went with Norma to the hospital for a biopsy of a large lump on her breast. It is deep and sitting on the muscle which is causing her pain. It will have to be removed, the biopsy is only to determine how aggressive the surgery and treatment will have to be. Neither of us want to hear the word cancer again, but Norma's response was this: "Whether it is cancer, or it isn't; I can't change that, I can only trust that God will see me through this." We will get the results of that biopsy on Tuesday and make preparations for the coming surgery to remove the mass.
This Thursday, Norma and I will stand before a judge in bankruptcy court. Eight months of not working last year and all the medical bills that I accumulated has wiped us out financially. We have been behind for months and have not been able to catch back up, but we don't want to loose our home. I won't lie and say that I have always been faithful in giving my finances to God, but we have tried this past year. Not every one of my decisions have been the best, and I have made mistakes; I don't blame God for this situation. But in truth, I do feel like I have failed.
I am supposed to be Batman, a superhero that can stand and defy any odds, and always come out on top to save the day. But these past few months I have felt weaker instead of stronger. I have not quit trying, but for all my trying nothing seems to get better. Even the walk I took as I prayed yesterday morning took it's toll on my body. My old ankles, still damaged from a motorcycle accident from eighteen years ago, gave out about two-thirds of the way. I could barely walk the rest of the day, and I am still in quite a bit of pain this morning. I am no superhero.
I went to bed last night thinking about the message that I had heard on Friday night.
GOD'S VOICE CAN CHANGE EVERYTHING, and I needed to hear God's voice.
It came to me at one a.m. I woke up and in my spirit I heard one verse,
‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty.
I went back to sleep with the peace that I had been searching for. I woke up this morning and looked up the verse in Zechariah 4, and then I went on to read the entire book.
I do not have the strength to get through what is ahead us, nor do I have the means at my disposal to fix any of it; But I do have the Spirit of God living inside of me, and I trust my God. He has seen me through so much, how can I doubt and fear that He might fail me now?
My neighbor saw me limping last night and asked if I was alright. He had seen me coming home earlier in the morning as I was returning from my walk and had said hello. I told him that I had just walked too far that morning and had over done it. He remembered and said, "That is from your motorcycle accident right? You have been through a lot. Actually, you have been through more than any man that I have ever known." At that we both kind of chuckled and I said, "I'll be OK."
But afterwards I began to realize something, people know me. I have a story that is starting to be told. But as my story is told, will I be known for my tragedies or will I be known for my faith. Everyone could see Job's tragedy, but his faith was revealed by his words. It's what you say in your tragedy that reveals your heart. So this Sunday morning, the first day of the week, the day of new beginning; I want to praise my God for seeing me through the week. I trust Him, no matter what the outcome or the circumstance, He is faithful and He is just. I may still have to carry the burden, but I let the weight rest on Him and my heart is light.
Thank you Jesus for saving me and standing with me through every moment of this life that I have been so richly blessed to enjoy.
I still hold onto this verse, it has been with me for a year now; and becomes more significant with each passing day.
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."
Luke 22:42
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