"Why is light given to him who suffers, And life to the bitter of soul, Who long for death, but there is none, And dig for it more than for hidden treasures, Who rejoice greatly, And exult when they find the grave? "Why is light given to a man whose way is hidden, And whom God has hedged in? "For my groaning comes at the sight of my food, And my cries pour out like water. "For what I fear comes upon me, And what I dread befalls me. "I am not at ease, nor am I quiet, And I am not at rest, but turmoil comes." Job 3:20-26
The tragedy is not that all men die, it is that some die long before they reach the grave.
"I am going to make you a spectacle."
I still remember when God spoke that to my spirit. I was sitting on my couch, as I am right now writing this, studying and looking for direction. There was an ominous tone to the message. It was not a warm and fuzzy feeling, nor did the message bring me much comfort. In a couple weeks I would discover that I had cancer. I thought that I had received enough attention from the heart attack, but the next fight would bring even more notice. Since then I have come to a realization.
My writing, even my speaking, is most impacting when I am transparent. We live in a world of filters, diet plans, workout videos, even catfish, it is increasingly difficult to find a person who has learned to be content with who they really are. I realize that I am far from what I hope to be, and I struggle with changing who I am. But who I am right now is all that I have to offer, so I make due, until a day comes through God's grace that I can offer someone more worthy to serve those that the Maker has entrusted to me.
Job is my favorite character in the Bible, many have recently likened me to Job and his trials. All of this has caused me to realize that I wish I would have picked someone else to admire and emulate. (I'm slightly grinning as I make that statement) But over the years, through each experience I understand Job more and more and I also marvel at the integrity of his life. Like Job, I truly do believe in God, it's not just religion or church to me, but there is a real relationship and God is my Father. With that being said there is something that I will share that I have rarely spoken aloud.
I do not fear the grave.
During the motorcycle crash I told myself over and over again "I will not die" because I was not ready, it was not my time. The heart attack was different, though just as sudden, I wasn't afraid, at least not for the same reasons. I knew that I was dying on the operating table, I could feel it. But I did not make the statement "I will not die" in that moment, instead there was just one question that I asked God. It was the question that I believe held me here, it was the only thing that mattered to me in that moment. My question was,
"What about my family?"
I believe my decision that followed was best described by the Apostle Paul in Philippians 1:23-26
I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me. But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live.
Knowing this, I am convinced that I will remain alive so I can continue to help all of you grow and experience the joy of your faith. And when I come to you again, you will have even more reason to take pride in Christ Jesus because of what he is doing through me.
One of the greatest tragedies of all is living.
Please do not misunderstand, I wholeheartedly believe that life is a gift and I am grateful to be alive. But in the midst of tragedy there are times when life can hard. Surviving all that I have takes a toll. Physically, my body is tired and there has been much pain, even still. Financially, between loss of time working and added medical expenses we are left bankrupt. If you begin to dwell on those things alone, you begin to find yourself in a sad place psychologically.
I do begin to understand Job, and yet I understand how much more he suffered. Satan is misguided and he is selfish, which is why he is defeated. Satan thought his greatest attack was against Job himself by taking away his health, but any good father would know that his greatest blow had already been dealt. What Job had already lost was my reason to keep living, so the answer is no, I am nowhere near the man of integrity that Job proved to be.
If you live long enough, you will loose something. For some these loses begin far too early in life, but none the less, loss affects us all. There is a cemetery that each of us carries inside our soul. It is where we keep the memories of what was lost to us throughout our life. At times we are required to return to this place, so that something lost can be laid to rest. It is natural and it is necessary for this to be done, and done well we will continue on our journey of life. I know this place of the soul well, I have been there many times and it is how I have developed the sight to see others as they visit there as well. But I see a great tragedy, one that seems to be increasing. Sometimes the graveyard becomes a prison, and a person finds themselves unable or unwilling to leave. Graveyards are meant for visitation, not habitation. When you spent all your time around what has died and what has been lost, you will begin to be drawn towards death and loss as well. There is a point as you are drawn in that death and loss are no longer ideas, they become spirits that call you out and know your name. I can assure you that I am no longer in that place, but there was a time when I had wrestled with Suicide and I know his voice well; and I have been in the presence of Death enough times to know when he is near. But I would not tell you all of this and leave you without hope.
“Why do you seek the living among the dead?" Luke 24:5b
There is only One who has the power to enter the grave and leave again alive. Too often we enter the cemetery hoping to resurrect something that was no longer meant to be, but there is nothing tangible that we were meant to take from such a place. We only see the graves when we look down, but if you will look up, you will notice that there is always life surrounding every cemetery. Sidewalks and streets, homes and neighborhoods, schools and hospitals leave no cemetery to be an island that is separated or untouched. The Bible says that we were born dead in our sin, and that it is only through Jesus that we can receive new life. Jesus is the One, the only One, that can forever lead you out of the cemetery, because He has the power to pioneer the way.
Life was meant to be lived, we were meant to live.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10
Don't let your cemetery become your prison, trapped inside your own soul. Everyone desires to be released at some point, and when we loose sight of the Life, Death begins to appear as our only option.
I may have chosen to stay for my family, but it is my desire that I might enrich the life of anyone that my life touches. The most valuable thing that I posses is my relationship with Christ, and it is meant to be shared. Please don't think me to be pushy or preachy, it's not my style. But I have walked through the darkness and now find myself in the light. It is far better to be in the Light, and I simply invite you to join me.
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