Just a Kid At Heart

My Judas Reflection

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I had never intended write this; but inspiration, it would seem, doesn't need to wait for an opinion, perhaps just an invitation.
It began with a thought, almost a whisper, that asked me this question:
"Will you count the cost, or are you too busy counting the silver?"

I had been asked to speak on the topic of "God's Love" recently at a men's dinner. So I started to study in my usual manner, going through the scriptures, looking to reference those verses that best seemed to describe and illustrate what I considered to be God's Love. But an odd thing kept happening, I kept finding myself reading passages about the disciples, centering around one disciple in particular, Judas. God spoke to me in many ways as I read the story of one of the most infamous betrayals in history, but I could not make the connection. I was trying to study God's love; and while the name Judas does bring many thoughts to mind, God's love is not at the top of that list.
I ultimately chose to give my testimony at the men's dinner that night. I spoke of a time, many years ago, when I needed God's love and He poured it out on me generously and graciously. It was good to go back and remember how I used to be, who I was and how I have been changed by God's love. It is too easy to forget, at times, what we were; it is the only reason to look back, not to return, but to keep perspective of how we have changed. I was asked later how I thought the evening had went; I had to admit that while I hoped that my story was well received, I honestly wasn't sure what the guys thought of it. I did, however, come to realize something that I have always known, just never really wanted to admit to myself.
I am a story teller, not a preacher.
I have read and listened to the sermons of many great pastors for much of my life. I believe that it came from a place of pure intentions, I only wanted to share with others what I have learned and why God is so dear to me. But whenever I try to come across as academic, or try to sway others with a sermon, well it's about as graceful as an elephant on roller skates. It has always bothered me that I have such a poor aptitude for public speaking. Even during my testimony, thanks to Facebook Live, I realized that I used the phrase "you know" about thirty million times as I spoke. ( I will work on that) But in truth I had to consider what was the true source of my frustration, was it my preparation or was it my pride that left me feeling less than my expectations?
Again my thoughts turned to Judas.
Judas is best known for what he had done, but it takes a bit more patience to understand the significance of who he was. In today's terms, while most of the twelve disciples would have been considered blue-collar folk, Judas would have been white-collar, pressed clean and crisp. The other eleven came from regions that spoke a bit more simply, but Judas was the only one chosen from a region that that was more well spoken and articulate; think eleven southern accents compared with one British accent, it was Judas that stood out among them. He held the money, which leads one to believe that he was educated and capable. I believe that it is the reason that even after Jesus all but called Judas out by name, the eleven still did not understand that it was he that Jesus said would betray him during the Last Supper. To the eleven, in the absence of Jesus, it would be Judas that was the most qualified to lead the and carry on the work of their ministry.

For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been fully and clearly known and understood [ by God].  1 Corinthians 13:12 (Amplified)

Jesus taught the disciples to count the cost of a life devoted to the service of God, but Judas sought the reward of service and was cursed to count only silver.

To live a life that will be noticed by others will accomplish one of two things: You will be a guidepost to follow or a warning sign to turn back. That revelation seems simple enough, until you count the cost. Most set out to be a guidepost, and that is when they fail. A guidepost says look to me to show the way, I will mark the good path to take.
Do you see it yet?
 It has taken me a while to understand where I lost my way. Like so many others who have tried to live a good Christian life, I have wanted to be a good example for others to see. But that was never my calling.
Jesus said, "I Am the Way, the Truth, and the Life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by Me."  John 14:6
We are all warning signs that are meant to read, "Turn Back, Follow Jesus".
I am guilty, I have looked at myself in the mirror through eyes of pride and only seen what I chose to see. At the time, I thought that I looked pretty good, someone qualified to lead others, someone sure that he knew the way. And now that I have seen it, it makes me sad. Sad for the time that I had wasted trying to prove that I was worth noticing, and sad to see others so sure of their reflection that they would try to convince others to follow them as well. The ones who criticize everything and everyone, tearing down every church and denomination (except theirs of course) somehow with some exclusive revelation that they alone are God's elite. They judge size and style and prosperity, they look only for the silver but never consider what it cost. Watch out for the Facebook Prophets, the critics who can't be criticized, they are a warning sign in and of themselves.

I asked the Lord to show me something I had never seen in the life of Judas, and he showed me myself.
Be careful not to replace your stories with seminars. Trying to be better than others will often just end up producing a more cruel version of yourself.
I am who I am because Jesus saved me and God forgave me. The love of God changed me and continues to sustain me. The more clearly I see Him, the more clearly I see myself.





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