Questions

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," There truly is something timeless about this opening statement from A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. At some level, I think that we can all relate to feeling like this at some point in our life. I keep thinking about this phrase as I try to pull my thoughts together today.
In many ways, it made a lot of sense to start this blog right now. I have time available to me after the heart attack that I have never had before. But at the same time it has been very difficult, there are a lot of things that are different now. Often my mind is pulled in a dozen different directions, as grateful as I am for the ways that God has provided for our needs and for how well my recovery is going, there are still many things that have been quite difficult during this time.
One of the stranger things, to me, that I have been trying to get used to is how I constantly feel cold. I used to never get cold, I think that it is the combination of the blood thinners and the blood pressure medication; but if I am in the air conditioning, I am usually freezing.
So, the other night as I was laying in bed, my body was exhausted but I could not quiet my mind, and I was freezing. I thought that maybe a soak in a hot tub would not only warm me up, but also help me to relax so that I could sleep. Now I don't like to like to try and get in a tub full of hot water, it's to hard to adjust to the temperature change. When I fill a bath I will sit in the empty tub and let the water fill up around me, usually increasing the temperature of the water so that it stays nice and hot. But as my body started to relax my mind just didn't want to cooperate.
My favorite question has always been, Why? When I was a child this question almost seemed to be hard-wired into my DNA. As I would try to understand the world around me, I would constantly ask my mom, Why? She was patient with me; most often it was not the defiant why of a strong willed child, but the inquisitive why of a child who was trying to learn. Mom laughingly told me once that she would continue to answer my 'whys?' until she just couldn't handle it any longer, and then she would just look at me and calmly say "Damien, shut up." To which I would simply reply "OK" and go on my merry way.
I still ask a lot of questions, especially in light of the events of these past few weeks. I thought about the interrogatives that I had learned about all those years ago in English class: Who, What, Where, When, Why and How. While sitting in the tub, I did a little 'Googling' and found that in journalism these are called the Five W's and the One H. And then something occurred to me.
When life is difficult, and when things don't seem to make much sense at all it is very easy to focus my thinking on the Five W's.
Why did this happen?
When will this be over?
What do I do now?
Who can understand?
Where will this leave me?
Sometimes the Five W's can put your head in a pretty depressing place, they can leave you feeling like a victim. But then I got to thinking about the odd man out, the One H. With all the W's running through my mind, it is the question 'How' that can put my feet back on the ground. I can contemplate What it is that I need do next and even come up with some pretty good ideas, but it is when I start to contemplate How I can accomplish those things that I begin to gain some traction and move forward.
Who, What, Where, When and Why can sometimes seem intangible. But How, well How is something that I can often grab a hold of. Now don't get me wrong, How is not always an easy thing either. But if you can figure out the How, then you can come up with a plan. And a plan is an opportunity for action, an opportunity for change.
As I sat in the tub waiting for the water to rise I had the thought, "This is my life right now, freezing and sitting in an empty tub. But I know that everything is about to change because the hot water will soon fill the tub." Even when we know what is about to happen next, we will usually have to wait.
Worry is the misuse of the imagination. It is often in the moments of waiting that we will start to worry about what might happen in the unknown, instead of imagining the great things that we might yet accomplish.
I had thought through most of this Friday night in the tub, but by Saturday evening I had talked myself out of writing any of this down. It was a Facebook post by one of our co-pastors that led me to think that maybe I should share this after all.

Pastor Vanessa Gargano wrote this on Saturday:
You can be telling the truth and still be wrong. Sometimes the WHY, the HOW, the WHEN, and the TO WHO is more important than the what. Powerful lesson that EVERY human learns sometime in life.
Thank GOD for his grace, and mercy over our lives when we get this wrong even if we're right. Best advice ever. Learn from others mistakes. This tip was free. It will save your life. You're welcome.

Now I know that the message may not be the same but it was the use of the interrogatives that caught my attention. It seemed to consequential to leave to chance, maybe what had been on my mind Friday night was worth sharing. I still wrestled with writing this, until this morning. As I was pulling into the gym for my morning workout, in front of the Dunkin Donuts, out of nowhere the Spirit put a verse on my heart.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  2 Timothy 4:7

In that moment I began to tear up. 

I have come to realize that had I died seven weeks ago on that operating table, 43 years on this earth would not have been enough, I was not finished with my race. And even if I get another 43 years before I leave this life and pass on to the next, it will go too quickly. Today I would fight through and write at least one more time, in the faith that it may help just one more finish their race. Because I am not finished until I am certain that I will hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant."