Something Always Has To Die

I'm going to do something a little different. I want to start off with a question.

Who do you want to be?

It's not an unfamiliar question, most of us have heard it since we were children. What do you want to be when you grow up? The question that sparked into an idea. We began to imagine the perfect identity, the perfect life that we hoped to live. For some it becomes a driving force, pushing them towards their destiny; for others it can become a constant source of condemnation, and a feeling of never measuring up to an unrealized potential.
This is the question that I have struggled with for quite some time, and probably a little more so the past few months. So when the Lord showed up one Thursday morning during my morning devotions with the passage, "He must increase, but I must decrease.”; He had my attention. I had studied John the Baptist for a Bible study just a few weeks prior, and I was familiar with the passage. I had remembered reading how John was the last Old Testament prophet and the first in the New Testament to recognize Jesus as the Christ. It was the Old and the New that the Lord began to speak to me about.
It's a familiar concept if you have spent a few years in church. The sinful old nature of man verses the God given new nature. It has been depicted in many ways over the years; an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, whispering in your ear. The Native Americans talked about a black wolf and a white wolf, and the one that you fed the most would prove to be the strongest. Even the concept of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde was meant to represent the best and the worst that a man could become. Whatever your viewpoint, we can all understand the struggle of being that person that we despise or being that best possible version of ourselves.

Recently I was reminded of something that I had learned years ago, and it was key to understanding what the Lord was trying to show me on this morning. Every Old Testament story, every illustration, every mystery, every passage is meant to point to Messiah, it is the foreshadow of Jesus. Now that he had my attention, the Lord took me to the Old Testament story of King Saul and David. It is a story that is familiar to me, often used to illustrate how man looks at the outward appearance but God sees the heart. But this morning the Lord told me to look at this story from a perspective that I had never considered before. The instruction was simple, read the story in 1 Samuel with this template in mind:
-David is a representation of Jesus, the one that was chosen by God and anointed to sit on the throne;
-Saul is a representation of the old nature, the part of us that fights to stay in the seat of power;
-Jonathan is the representation of the new nature, the part of us that recognizes the new king and loves him dearly.
This story paints a beautiful picture of the conflict between our old and new nature, and who truly has the right to be placed on the throne in our hearts.

1 Samuel 16:

14 Now the Spirit of the LORD had departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD tormented him.

15 Saul’s attendants said to him, “See, an evil spirit from God is tormenting you.

16 Let our lord command his servants here to search for someone who can play the lyre. He will play when the evil spirit from God comes on you, and you will feel better.”

17 So Saul said to his attendants, “Find someone who plays well and bring him to me.”

18 One of the servants answered, “I have seen a son of Jesse of Bethlehem who knows how to play the lyre. He is a brave man and a warrior. He speaks well and is a fine-looking man. And the LORD is with him.”

19 Then Saul sent messengers to Jesse and said, “Send me your son David, who is with the sheep.”

20 So Jesse took a donkey loaded with bread, a skin of wine and a young goat and sent them with his son David to Saul.

21 David came to Saul and entered his service. Saul liked him very much, and David became one of his armor-bearers.

22 Then Saul sent word to Jesse, saying, “Allow David to remain in my service, for I am pleased with him.”

23 Whenever the spirit from God came on Saul, David would take up his lyre and play. Then relief would come to Saul; he would feel better, and the evil spirit would leave him. 

In it's simplicity, this is the story of most every believer that comes to Christ. We have been given the gift of life, and have made it as far as we can go; but we are separated from God. In that emptiness we are tormented and we search for relief. And then someone tells us about Jesus. We hear of all his qualities and agree to see what he is all about. You meet with Jesus once and there is relief. It is so pleasing that you don't want to let him go. So you pray to the Father and ask to receive his Son, to stay with you, to live in your heart. 
At the start we are happy because we have found relief, but relief is not the same as peace. Jesus came so that we would be at peace with God, and quite often peace is only found after a battle. 

32 David said to Saul, “Let no one lose heart on account of this Philistine; your servant will go and fight him.”

33 Saul replied, “You are not able to go out against this Philistine and fight him; you are only a young man, and he has been a warrior from his youth.”

34 But David said to Saul, “Your servant has been keeping his father’s sheep. When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock,

35 I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it.

36 Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God.

37 The LORD who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine.” Saul said to David, “Go, and the LORD be with you.”

38 Then Saul dressed David in his own tunic. He put a coat of armor on him and a bronze helmet on his head.

39 David fastened on his sword over the tunic and tried walking around, because he was not used to them. “I cannot go in these,” he said to Saul, “because I am not used to them.” So he took them off.

40 Then he took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd’s bag and, with his sling in his hand, approached the Philistine.

41 Meanwhile, the Philistine, with his shield bearer in front of him, kept coming closer to David.

42 He looked David over and saw that he was little more than a boy, glowing with health and handsome, and he despised him.

43 He said to David, “Am I a dog, that you come at me with sticks?” And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.

44 “Come here,” he said, “and I’ll give your flesh to the birds and the wild animals!”

45 David said to the Philistine, “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied.

46 This day the LORD will deliver you into my hands, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head. This very day I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds and the wild animals, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel.

47 All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD’s, and he will give all of you into our hands.”

48 As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him.

49 Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell facedown on the ground.

50 So David triumphed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone; without a sword in his hand he struck down the Philistine and killed him.

51 David ran and stood over him. He took hold of the Philistine’s sword and drew it from the sheath. After he killed him, he cut off his head with the sword. When the Philistines saw that their hero was dead, they turned and ran.

52 Then the men of Israel and Judah surged forward with a shout and pursued the Philistines to the entrance of Gath and to the gates of Ekron. Their dead were strewn along the Shaaraim road to Gath and Ekron.

53 When the Israelites returned from chasing the Philistines, they plundered their camp.

54 David took the Philistine’s head and brought it to Jerusalem; he put the Philistine’s weapons in his own tent.

55 As Saul watched David going out to meet the Philistine, he said to Abner, commander of the army, “Abner, whose son is that young man?” Abner replied, “As surely as you live, Your Majesty, I don’t know.”

56 The king said, “Find out whose son this young man is.”

57 As soon as David returned from killing the Philistine, Abner took him and brought him before Saul, with David still holding the Philistine’s head.

58 “Whose son are you, young man?” Saul asked him. David said, “I am the son of your servant Jesse of Bethlehem.” 

It is the giant in your life that will reveal the greatness of Jesus. The problem that was so big that we had no idea how to attack it, and were to afraid to even try. Like David, Jesus comes with a boldness that is inspiring and says that He can defeat this giant if you will allow him to. And like Saul, we reluctantly agree and then try to offer our armor as a sign of our participation. "This is how I would fix the problem Jesus, if you do it my way it could work." We want it to look like it was us that went out to fight and defeated the giant. But God does not do things that way for that very reason. 
It is the end of this chapter were we see the crisis of the old nature. Saul thought that he knew who David was, but now sees him in a way that he never recognized; and for the first time Saul is now threatened by David. It is that first moment when our old nature realizes that it cannot coexist with Jesus that the inner conflict begins; but it is also in that moment that we recognize there is a new nature within us, one that loves Jesus and is willing to sacrifice everything for Him.

1 Samuel18:

1 After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself.

2 From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return home to his family.

3 And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself.

4 Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.

Saul wanted David to borrow his armor, Jonathan gave David the clothes off his back. 
Take it all, there is nothing that is mine that doesn't now belong to you, we are brothers. When you study the life of Jonathan you find that he was a great man. He was a man that feared God, he was brave in battle, he was wise and a good leader. As time passed, Saul would become more irrational and Jonathan would often intervene as the voice reason. Jonathan knew that it was David who was anointed to sit on the throne, and it was his greatest desire to see that destiny fulfilled. The best and the worst of the bloodline of Saul, one who embraced the change and the other that resisted.
Isn't it the same with us? 
We know that old nature all too well. It causes nothing but trouble, and it comes to represent the worst possible version of  who we are. But we are encouraged by this new nature that has sprung to life within us, this part of us that is completely in love with Jesus. This new nature is quickly recognized as the best possible version of who we can be. 

At this point, on that Thursday morning, I was in complete agreement with all that the Lord had shown me in the scriptures. It made perfect sense. Then Lord reminded me of a passage in the New Testament, Romans 6:6, We know that our old natures were crucified with him so that our sin-laden bodies might be rendered powerless and we might no longer be slaves to sin. 
I thought of all the times when, as Christians, we talked about the struggle and importance of putting the old nature behind us. Letting go of the sinful and destructive desires that would keep us from serving the Lord. And it was in that moment that the Lord spoke something to my spirit that even now leaves me at a loss for words to describe what I felt:

You now understand that Saul had to die for David to be placed on the throne, but Jonathan had to die also. You always thought that it was your old nature that you were trying deny, that worst version of yourself that needed to be crucified. But look at the verse again and you will see that it was already done through Jesus. When you accepted Him you were freed from everything that held you a prisoner to your old nature, you must now understand the phrase "It is finished". 
It says in Matthew 16:24,Then Jesus told his disciples, "If anyone wants to follow me, he must deny himself, pick up his cross, and follow me continuously. 
This command is not to the unsaved but to the redeemed, to those who call me Lord. It is the new nature that must be kept in check and crucified daily. 

 As I sat and began to consider this I realized that I had just been crushed. I began to bring into question every desire and motive for every action since giving my life to Jesus at the age of sixteen.
For the first ten years I tried to deny the new nature all together. I was Saul, I would not acknowledge Jonathan or David as heirs to the throne. I had grown up in church so I knew how to play the game, but I still wanted to be in charge. My life progressively spiraled downward until I almost lost it all, my marriage, my future, even my life. At the age of twenty-six, a motorcycle accident nearly crippled me and changed everything. I realized that old nature for what it was, a dead man that caused nothing but misery and sorrow. So, I let him die and I embraced the new nature inside of me. I chased Jesus with a passion, and the closer we became the more I loved Him. I began to see the potential of who I could be in Christ. That best possible version of myself started to emerge. It was who I wanted to be, side by side with Jesus I would take on any giant. I told the Lord that I will be the husband that loves his wife. I will be the father that raises his children to love the Lord. I will be a bold witness to the world. I will read my Bible, I will pray, I will be a mighty warrior for the Kingdom, I will, I will, I WILL..... My Will.
Isaiah 14:14, "I will ascend above the highest clouds; I will make myself like the Most High."
I had realized the trap, I had fallen in love with the best possible version of myself; but not even he is worthy to sit on the throne in my heart. Only Jesus is worthy of that place of honor. It is my best potential that must step aside each day and say  "Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done." It is why Jesus was the only one that was worthy, because his will was always submitted to the Father; it was never My Will, it was always Thy Will Be Done.
Again we see it modeled in the Old Testament, the acceptable sacrifice to the Lord was to be without spot or blemish. It was to be a picture of the perfect Son of God, sacrificed to atone for the sins of all mankind. So where did we get confused and think that it was good enough to crucify our old nature everyday and call it an acceptable sacrifice? I dare say that if killing the worst version of ourselves was a good enough sacrifice, then God could have crucified Satan as an atonement for mankind instead of his perfect Son. No, because we are not proud of the old nature; the horrible things that we used to be. The true sacrifice is to place the best possible version of myself on the altar and say "God it's yours, use it however you will".
This may all sound a bit strange the first time you hear it, but when you think about it you will realize that you have already seen this proven to be true. Have you ever seen someone who was so hopelessly lost, then came to Jesus, and suddenly this amazing person emerged. They realized their potential and it seemed limitless. Their life was blessed in every way, sometimes serving the Lord for years. But then, what seems like out of nowhere, there is a change. It all seems to fall apart and just as quickly they fall away. We wonder what happened and we ask why? In almost every situation the answer lies in one of two words, "No" or "Wait". We are all placed under authority, both to man and to God; there are no exceptions. It is when we rebel against that authority that we reveal our heart. We are told no or to wait, but we decide that our way is still the best. Humility would place it on the altar, but pride says that it is too good to die.

I started this year with a forty day fast. The Lord told me that something inside of me needed to die. I honestly believed that whatever it was, it was the thing that was keeping me from my potential. I was all in, I no longer wanted to be held back; I wanted to reach my potential. I knew my calling and I had discovered many of my gifts, if God would only give me the opportunity i would prove that I was ready to use them for the Kingdom.
I completed the fast, lost thirty pounds in the process. Opportunities started to present themselves and the means to pursue them. As an Armor Bearer, I had been given the opportunity to serve pastors once again. By their side I stood in battle and witnessed God deliver nothing short of a miracle, it felt as if I had proven myself in battle and would be restored to the calling that was so dear to me. But then there was the heart attack, I didn't see that coming. Yet God watched over me and even seemed to bless me through it. His provision was undeniable and somehow I became better through the trial. I began to think "I can use this" for a testimony of course, but maybe something else was hiding in my heart. Before there was time to truly consider what was stirring in my heart I was hit with the cancer. At first, I thought that I could take it on with the same strength that I had experienced with the heart attack, but that strength soon left me. It left me hurting and confused, desperately trying to hold myself together and somehow make sense of it all. As I look back at it now I realize that is when it began to happen, I was just grateful to be alive. My plans didn't seem so important anymore, I just needed Jesus to guide me through each day. I was still trying to make sense of it all, still asking God why? There was no answer, but God had not abandoned me either. His hand of blessing was on my recovery and my health, there was never any lack in His provision of our needs, and most of all there was peace. Peace of mind, peace in our marriage, peace in our home.

It was at the #STRONGER Men's Retreat that the Lord struck the spark that began to reignite a fire within me. I was still trying to make an answer that would fit my situation, I even thought that God had given me one. I still knew that something inside of me had to die. I told myself that it was the heart disease and colon cancer that God had intended to kill, how else could you explain this insane story? Anyway; that was on Saturday night, and now here we are on Thursday morning. I'm trying to get ready and leave to go to morning chapel at the church, instead I'm crying like a baby. In what I considered to be inappropriate timing, God decided to show up anyways and answer my question. I had my "Why?" and I now knew what had to die, everything that I had ever hoped to become and accomplish was no longer good enough. Only Jesus deserves to sit on the throne, but it has to be freely given to Him. You see, we were created in God's image, and therefore given the right to rule our own lives; to stay seated on the throne of our heart. Jesus is not a tyrant, He freely gave up His throne in Heaven to take our place, so we must freely give up our throne so that He may be seated there once again.
I will tell you the truth, I did not want to go to chapel at this point; but the Lord told me to go, so I got in the truck and left. As I drove, I found myself having a severe identity crisis. I had spent the past eighteen years trying to become who I thought might be the best possible version of myself, and now that person was no longer and would never be good enough. I knew that I would have to crucify him everyday for the rest of my life; but where did that leave me, what did that look like practically from day to day? I kept playing with the radio, I didn't want to talk to God anymore but there was more that He had to tell me.

I know that you are hurting, and that you now understand what I wanted to show you in the life of Jonathan; but you are still not seeing the whole picture. Yes; Jonathan loved David, but David loved Jonathan even more. David wept bitterly at the death of both Saul and Jonathan.
 In 2 Samuel 1 you will find David's lament for Saul and Jonathan:

17 David took up this lament concerning Saul and his son Jonathan,

18 and he ordered that the people of Judah be taught this lament of the bow (it is written in the Book of Jashar):

19 “A gazelle lies slain on your heights, Israel. How the mighty have fallen!

20 “Tell it not in Gath, proclaim it not in the streets of Ashkelon, lest the daughters of the Philistines be glad, lest the daughters of the uncircumcised rejoice.

21 “Mountains of Gilboa, may you have neither dew nor rain, may no showers fall on your terraced fields.For there the shield of the mighty was despised, the shield of Saul—no longer rubbed with oil.

22 “From the blood of the slain, from the flesh of the mighty, the bow of Jonathan did not turn back, the sword of Saul did not return unsatisfied.

23 Saul and Jonathan— in life they were loved and admired, and in death they were not parted. They were swifter than eagles, they were stronger than lions.

24 “Daughters of Israel, weep for Saul, who clothed you in scarlet and finery, who adorned your garments with ornaments of gold.

25 “How the mighty have fallen in battle! Jonathan lies slain on your heights.

26 I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother; you were very dear to me. Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women.

27 “How the mighty have fallen! The weapons of war have perished!”
That new nature, the realized potential, that best possible version of yourself, your very best sacrifice does not go unnoticed. The new nature that loves Jesus with all his heart, well Jesus loves him even more. You are afraid that if he dies then your dreams will die with him, but the truth is quite the opposite. Sacrifice will always break the hold of Pride, and it is the Broken who will inherit the Kingdom of God. There is always a remnant, and before this morning is over you will meet him; his name is Mephibosheth.

2 Samuel 1:   

1 David asked, “Is there anyone still left of the house of Saul to whom I can show kindness for Jonathan’s sake?”

2 Now there was a servant of Saul’s household named Ziba. They summoned him to appear before David, and the king said to him, “Are you Ziba?” “At your service,” he replied.

3 The king asked, “Is there no one still alive from the house of Saul to whom I can show God’s kindness?” Ziba answered the king, “There is still a son of Jonathan; he is lame in both feet.”

4 “Where is he?” the king asked. Ziba answered, “He is at the house of Makir son of Ammiel in Lo Debar.”

5 So King David had him brought from Lo Debar, from the house of Makir son of Ammiel.

6 When Mephibosheth son of Jonathan, the son of Saul, came to David, he bowed down to pay him honor. David said, “Mephibosheth!” “At your service,” he replied.

7 “Don’t be afraid,” David said to him, “for I will surely show you kindness for the sake of your father Jonathan. I will restore to you all the land that belonged to your grandfather Saul, and you will always eat at my table.”

8 Mephibosheth bowed down and said, “What is your servant, that you should notice a dead dog like me?”

9 Then the king summoned Ziba, Saul’s steward, and said to him, “I have given your master’s grandson everything that belonged to Saul and his family.

10 You and your sons and your servants are to farm the land for him and bring in the crops, so that your master’s grandson may be provided for. And Mephibosheth, grandson of your master, will always eat at my table.” (Now Ziba had fifteen sons and twenty servants.)

11 Then Ziba said to the king, “Your servant will do whatever my lord the king commands his servant to do.” So Mephibosheth ate at David’s table like one of the king’s sons.

12 Mephibosheth had a young son named Mika, and all the members of Ziba’s household were servants of Mephibosheth.

13 And Mephibosheth lived in Jerusalem, because he always ate at the king’s table; he was lame in both feet.

I believe that it is when we have given the best sacrifice, when the new nature has been crucified that we have the freedom to walk into the very throne room of the King of Kings and dine at the King's table. It is the Broken that receive the empowering of the Holy Spirit, because we walk in the Spirit on broken ankles. There are no stories of the Mighty Mephibosheth, his very name means "out of my mouth proceeds reproach", yet he sits in the place of honor at the table of the king. Mephibosheth does not bear the burdens nor the responsibilities of the throne, instead he is privileged to the provision and protection of the palace. And so it is with us; if we will allow Jesus to sit on the throne, we are free. We live our lives knowing that He is in control, and we serve Jesus by simply serving others. It is not our plans and our will that must be fulfilled, we simply live in the reality of "Thy Will Be Done".

David not only honored Mephibosheth, he restored his inheritance as well; but he did not just restore what Mephibosheth had lost, he was given what was lost to three generations. What an amazing picture, give it all to God and what is returned could be the fulfillment of three lifetimes. 

I had what I thought was a bit of a stretch of insight, and almost dismissed it as my own imagination. But then I decided to look up the meaning of the name of the town where Mephibosheth had been raised in hiding, the name of the town Lo Debar means "no pasture". Consider this, perhaps Mephibosheth was the source of inspiration as King David penned what is arguably the most recognized Psalm of the Bible. I'll leave it here and let you decide for yourself.

 

 

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

 

                                                                                     

When Lightning Strikes

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you. And you will be my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere--in Jerusalem, throughout Judea, in Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."     Acts 1:8

Now if you know me at all, you know that I am a bit of a comic book geek. Batman is my favorite, that's no big secret; but there are many other characters that can offer us insight and reflections of the parallels that we may face in this life. There is a DC Comics character that I personally have always thought of as a great representation of the Spirit filled Christian. His name is Billy Batson, a ten year old orphan, who is suddenly bestowed with great magical powers transforming him into the superhero,  
 Captain Marvel.

SHAZAM! Two syllables famous for magically turning a boy into a superpowered adult.

Unlike most foster children, Billy Batson couldn’t care less about finding a family. He just wants to turn eighteen and finally become an adult. While the boy’s compassionate and kind, he’s gotten used to protecting himself by staying emotionally distant from everybody. But that changes when he meets an ancient wizard who introduces him to one very powerful word.

Just by saying SHAZAM!, Billy is transformed into a magical flying adult superhero, one with the genius of Solomon, the strength of Hercules, the unbreakable will of Atlas, the lightning blasts of Zeus, the power of Achilles and the speed of Mercury (SHAZAM). But gaining the power of the gods means inheriting their enemies too. With the abilities of the world’s mightiest mortal, Billy will have to struggle with magical threats as well as his own youthful naïveté. To truly tap into his power, this orphan who’s always kept people at arm’s length will have to learn what family really is.

And when they had prayed, the place was shaken where they were assembled together; and they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and they spake the word of God with boldness.     Acts 4:31

I have seen it many times, in others and even myself, lightning strikes and God shows up. Amazing moments of prayer and worship, people are healed, a word of knowledge, transformation... miracles. But as quickly as it comes, it can be gone. That person who in one moment seemed so gifted, so wise and powerful, can in the next moment be as clueless as a ten year old kid. With understanding, you begin to recognize that it's not the person who is great; but the power that resides inside of them, that when called upon has the ability to move mountains. But the lightning attracts attention, it is not subtle, and sometimes we give the credit to the person upon whom the lightning falls and not the God who provides it. That is the thought that began last night, and it is why I chose to write this morning.
Have you ever been close to an actual lightning strike? It is not easily forgotten. You can feel the energy, you hear the air sizzle and then a deafening crack and boom as the air molecules are split by a bolt of brilliant light, and you feel the concussion in your bones. Rarely does one stand unflinchingly in the presence of such raw and awesome power. It is that energy that I am starting to sense, stirring in the atmosphere around me.

I have shared this recently, and believe me when I tell you that it feels like my strength has left me. I don't feel bad, I'm just spent; whatever I may have had stored or built up inside of me has been used to get me through these past few months. But I'm not finished either. It is important to recognize at times like these that my strength must come from the Lord or I will fail in what comes next.
About four months ago, as I sat in the same spot that I am now, God said to me " I am going to make a spectacle of you" and about one week later we found the cancer. God has done some amazing things since then and I believe that what He began with that statement is not coming to an end, but rather is just the beginning. I had been off work for two months following my heart attack, the night I tried returning to work Norma had asked me how I felt about going back. Neither of us have been able to forget my response in that moment, I told her, "I don't know quite how to explain it, but it feels like I'm going back just to say good-bye". Ten hours after that statement I was back in the hospital, and I haven't been back since. Now does it mean that I am never going back, or was it just that it wasn't my time to return yet; I honestly don't know, but my gut tells me that the lightning hasn't struck yet. That is why I felt that it was important to share my thoughts this morning, before the lightning strikes.

I have God given gifts, I have strengths and weaknesses just like everyone else. My life is not extraordinary in any particular way, except for the extraordinary God that is my Father. If any thing spectacular were to come from all of this it will not be from any special trait of mine, but rather that the Lord chose to let the lightning fall. It is important that I give God the Glory for all that has happened and what is still yet to come. At the end of the day, I'm just an oversized kid that still dreams of being a hero. I pray that my heart is pure, and any glory that may surround me will only be used to shine a light on the One who deserves all glory and praise, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Can I Quit Now?

I am tired.

My father told me a story....once.
It was a pretty dismal Saturday afternoon, cold and rainy. We were sitting on the couch watching a movie, not too unusual; but at the same time, it was. We were watching a war movie, which was unusual because I had never remembered watching one with my dad before. As we were sitting there he just randomly began telling me of  a firefight that he had fought in Vietnam. They had fought for seven days, nonstop. They had to pour oil over the barrels of the larger guns because the guns had become so hot that the barrels were starting to glow and warp. They were at an impasse, too tired to continue fighting but each side refusing to surrender. A cease fire was agreed upon, twenty-four hours to rest and then the fighting would continue...and it did.
Dad didn't say much more, in a few hours he would disappear. He was gone for three days that time, as a boy it was one of his worst benders that I can remember. I understood after that day why we never watched war movies in our house and why Dad rarely talked about his time in the military. For a long time I blamed myself for that day. Why had I chosen that movie, why did I let him tell me that story?
But I was just a boy, and it would be a long time before I understood my father in the way that I do now. My father was awarded the medal of Naval Commendation and the Purple Heart, he was a hero; but most hero's have scars.

Too tired to fight, but refusing to surrender.
 It feels like I have used all my strength to get to this point, but I know that I have much more ahead of me. Now before it starts to sound too dismal I will say that I have not lost faith, and I have no intention of giving up. But I am tired.
I recently told a friend that this almost seemed easier when everything was happening too fast to think about it, when I survived on faith alone. When you are fighting to survive you focus on the fight, but it is in the down time that you begin to feel the effects of the battle. I had so much strength and determination at the onset but as I have gotten better it feels like I am worse.

The surprise attacks show us how capable we are, but the long battles show us what we are made of.

I wish that I were invincible, I suppose that everyone does. My troubles are not unique, and my pain is no greater than anyone else. I have no reason to complain, I don't even want to, but today has been a hard day none the less. Not because of what I have been through, but because of the unknown that still lies ahead. These are the moments that change our lives; not what we do with what has happened, but what we do with what comes next.
I struggle most with feeling useless. I know that I should take advantage of the downtime, even enjoy it, because it will be over soon enough. Life will get busy, and even a new normal will become routine. I have been through down times before but apparently it still has not made me an expert with what to do with myself. I watch my friends, busy, often wishing that they had more time to relax; yet here I am, with all the time in the world, wanting to return to being busy. I know better, the busy finds you, rarely do you need to go looking for it.

Normally I wouldn't take the time to write this, it is hard to be vulnerable when you are already feeling weak. The words do not come easily when all you really want to do is sit in silence.

I didn't want to go to church Sunday night. I have been in pain and I am tired, I didn't want to smile and tell everyone that I am fine, but God knew what I did need. A woman who carries burdens far greater than mine held my hand and with a sincerity in her eyes that words cannot describe; she told me how much my writing encouraged her, that she did not feel alone at times when she did not feel her strongest. I did not feel worthy of her praise, nor her appreciation; truth is that day I had been thinking my writing made little difference in this world, and maybe is wasn't worth the effort. I will always write because of what it means to me, but I can do that much in a journal. Putting my thoughts out there for others is much more intimidating, after all, being vulnerable is hard for a guy who dreams of being a super-hero, lol.
Thank you Susan.
My other struggle was being a part of the prayer team that night. I would have avoided the Hero tent (it's what we call the volunteer table) that night had Krissy not called me over and asked if I wanted to sign in. Putting on that PRAYER lanyard in bold red print made me feel like the biggest hypocrite in the building; I didn't want to talk to God about how I was feeling, much less do it for someone else.
But in my weakness, He is proven strong.
I prayed for two people that night. The first was a woman that I had never met, she came with a broken heart. My words felt weak and I was sure that my feeble prayer had made little difference, but as I finished I saw her eyes filled with tears. I hugged her and in that moment I wished that all the strength within me could be transferred to her, I told her that she was going to make it, that she would be OK. Secondly, I prayed for a friend and he strengthened me more than I ever could have blessed him.

There is a book titled The God I Never Knew. Honestly, I have not read this book yet, but the title has been stuck in my mind. I thought that I knew God well enough to get me through all of this; but it's not what I "know" that keeps surprising me. It's the things that I never knew that He continues to show me; that even if I am not quite ready to finish, I know that I can never quit.
I don't know when this "cease fire" of mine will come to an end, and I pray that I will be strong enough to return to the fight when it does. And even though that in this moment I may be tired, I am also grateful for so much more. It all matters, even if only in the smallest of ways. I thank God for reminding of this, and I thank you all for standing with me. My prayer is that I will be there to return that kindness one day when it is needed.

                                                    Good Night and God Bless,
                                                                                                  Damien

Through a Telescope or Under the Microscope...How do You SEE Life?

Knowledge has weight, and a man who bares much knowledge must equally bare the strength to carry it. Knowledge can be a blessing and a burden, it is Wisdom that teaches a man which is best to carry and which is best to leave behind.

I saw the cancer doctor the other day and, once again, they drew two vials of blood to be tested. It's funny, this whole process began with a blood test. Little did I know, when they drew that first vial of  blood the roller coaster ride that I was about to get strapped in for. But it would seem that under the microscope, there is an unseen story that is written in our blood.

Under the Microscope...

That is how I would best describe my life these past months. Almost everything I do, it seems, is thought through, picked apart, analyzed, charted, and deemed good or bad for me. It has been frustrating at times, I almost wrote a post a few weeks ago titled "My Life is $h@!" Because it felt like all I did was stare into the toilet bowl to analyze every bowel movement for blood, texture, amount, consistency, color... I was starting to feel pretty 'crappy' about the whole situation, lol. It was probably for the best that Norma talked me out of writing that post, even though it seems that I still managed to sneak it in this post ( sorry babe, you tried, ha-ha, I'm rotten )
Now, truth be told, I am grateful that the problem was found.

Sometimes our life needs to go under the microscope.

We know that something is wrong, all the warning signs are there; but whatever is going on, it isn't obvious to the naked eye. So we slow life down and take a look, sometimes at the smallest parts, until we find what is causing the pain and bringing us harm. It's not a comfortable process and often requires the help of others with a more trained eye. Privacy often feels like it is thrown out of the window while others pick our life apart, leaving us feeling exposed and even violated. Now when it comes to our physical health we understand this process and most often we will accept it, as uncomfortable as it may be. But how do we handle it when this process needs to be applied to our mental health or our spiritual health, because the two are often closely related. While it is hard to have your health placed under a microscope, it seems to become exponentially more difficult when it is your life that is placed under the microscope.
There is always a time that it becomes necessary to place life under the microscope, to determine what is healthy from what is causing harm. We may recognize the signs and symptoms but it is the microscope and trained eye that will expose the root, the cause of the illness. But there is something that we must understand  before we place a life under the microscope; it is the Key to what will happen next, and all too often this is where we fail. Once the problem has been found, we need to act quickly and deal with the problem; but too often we find the problem and simply stare it under the microscope.

A microscope is meant for locating a problem, not staring at it...

When I was in the hospital, they spent four days scoping about every part of my body. It was an Endoscope that found the cancer. The endoscope was equipped with a camera that had the ability to take pictures, which they used to take several images of the cancer that was growing inside my colon. Now Norma was fascinated with these pictures and loved to show them to anyone that happened to be in the room. I, however, hated them. My only thought after seeing those images was "Get that cancer out of me!" and I never wanted to see those pictures again. The scope had served its purpose, it was much better than an exploratory surgery where they would blindly cut me open trying to find the problem. But now we knew what was wrong, and what needed to be done.  Staring at the images only gave me anxiety; I wanted the surgery that would make things right, even knowing that it was going to be painful.
But again, this is where we often fail people. We place their life under a microscope only to expose the problem and then stare at. We call everyone that we can find to look into the microscope and see what it is that we have found; we have no idea how to fix it, just that we have found it. This happens most often, it seems, with public figures and their children; particularly when they no longer please us. Is it any wonder when the scrutiny becomes too great, we are all human after all. We all have faults and make mistakes, could any of us spend every moment of our lives like that? No, as beneficial as the microscope may be; it has it's time and it's place, and then we must move on. Because the microscope has limits and it must be balanced. What we gain from it, can also be what is lost.
But let's change perspective for a moment, and come back to this point later....

I started out talking about a doctors visit and having my blood drawn. Our life's story is written in blood, and sometimes we bleed. I don't know anyone that has faced a health crisis and said that it was fun. We will fight for our life, and fights get bloody. We often think that it is strength that will win the fight, but the experienced fighter knows that the right strategy can turn strengths into weaknesses. I have fought before, and I will fight again. But it is during times like these that I often find myself looking back at my life, remembering what I did right and what I did wrong to bring me to the place that I find myself now. When you're not sure that you will make it, sometimes it helps to remember when you did.
Going into Thanksgiving, this past week has messed with me a lot. Some things stay with you and some memories hold on tighter than others. I tried to play it cool, and in some ways I think that I tried to shut my emotions down; but my mom needing to have two stents put into her heart last week and one more next week really hit me hard. In part, it's that I just had the two stents put into my heart five months ago and it hits close to home in so many ways. But as some of you know, I lost my dad to a massive heart-attack on Thanksgiving Day; having mom go in for her heart so close to Thanksgiving was like a raw nerve being exposed. There was a thought that I pushed to the back of my mind that said "I can't do that again, not mom too".

It is always there, and when you have faced it you will learn to recognize it. Watch social media; at a time of family gatherings, gifts exchanged, and memories shared there are those that are hurting and ashamed for feeling that way. The worst that I have ever experienced this type of anguish happened ten years ago.

Christmas of 2006 was probably one of the darkest times of my life, yet it was because I had withdrawn and put myself in the dark that the darkness nearly overcame me. Dad had been gone for four years, but my anger and resentment towards God for taking him had only grown. Our house had burned at the beginning of the year and we were trying to rebuild, but the money had run out. My business was failing, I owed the I.R.S. and we were broke. Norma was pregnant with Isabella and 'deathly' sick during most of the pregnancy, which kept her almost completely bed-ridden. I would feed her chicken broth that she could rarely keep down, and then I would feed the boys who were very young at the time. Only after the boys went to bed would I eat their left overs because I could barely afford to keep the lights on, much less buy groceries. It was hard, but I was trying to keep it all a secret and that had made it so much worse. I had withdrawn and kept everyone that cared at a distance, in my mind, protecting them from my madness. It was like watching the world through a telescope, everything visible but still out of reach. Everyone at a distance; I could only see their joy and perfection, no one else seemed to suffer or experience pain. I only saw their beauty, while I felt ugly.
It was the second time in my life that I wrestled with suicide. Believe me when I tell you that Suicide is a Spirit, and it has a strategy. When you are to the point that you feel isolated and that no one could possibly understand what you are going through, you are in very dangerous territory. I would drive down the highway and literally wrestle with the steering wheel. With every bridge underpass I would feel the steering wheel pull towards the concrete supports and hear a whisper telling me to just let the wheel go and my pain would go away. There are times when it feels like you are holding on to life by a thread; that thread cuts and it hurts and you will bleed, but you cannot let it go. That was what I felt in those moments, I knew that I could not leave my boys with the same curse of not having a father; so I held on.
I cried when my mom called me on Christmas Eve to ask if I had any gifts to give the boys on Christmas. I thought that I had been hiding it all so well, but mom knew. She gave me $200.00. I waited and put the boys to bed, and just before Walmart closed on Christmas Eve, I spent that money down to the last penny so that the boys would have something to open that Christmas morning. I spent most of the night crying while I wrapped those gifts, praying to God. I didn't make any promises, I didn't try to cut any deals, I only asked and begged that God would help to get me through; and He did. I can't tell you the moment that it all changed, I didn't get to that place in a day but it was in that day  I started to walk away from a place I hope to never see again.

I know that I am sharing a lot today, but my spirit tells me that it is important. Maybe you are beginning think that I have wandered too far, but I promise that I am going somewhere with this. You see, when it seems like you are so far removed that you can only see others through a telescope, when you feel isolated and alone; you are looking at a lie. A telescope will show you what is off in the distance, what your future may hold if you continue on a certain path; but it will distort what is closest to you, you will see at a distance but be blind to what is right in front of you. A microscope is limited in the same way. It can show you many things in great detail and yet leave you blind to what is right next to you. You may get so preoccupied with staring at someone's faults, you miss the friendship that they are holding out in front of you; or you can let you own fault's keep you at a distance, where real friends are seen as far and few between.
Bottom line is that you cannot go through life only looking through microscopes or telescopes, because you will not see all that God has made available to you.

One definition of the word 'scope' is "the opportunity or possibility to do or deal with something".

The scope of our lives can be limitless or very limited; it is only determined by our perspective, how we choose to view life. If you  look at life from only one perspective it will become very limited and often will loose it's focus. God intended for us to experience life on all levels, some will be exciting while others may be intimidating; but none should be feared because He will always lead us to be the best 'us' possible.
Whatever you are experiencing right now, you can make it through.
  If it is good, enjoy it.
 If it is hard, hold on.
If you are able, share with others; and if you have nothing to share, be kind.

Happy Thanksgiving and God Bless!
                                                                Love, Damien

Even when it Hurts like HELL

Intimacy is quite often one of the most sought after and yet misunderstood feelings of life's experiences. I believe that this happens because most people have the misconception that intimacy is  based on a feeling, but true intimacy is based on relationship.
We are all born with a hard wired need for intimacy. Every person from birth to adulthood needs to have an intimate relationship. Our first experience should be modeled by the relationship with our parents, a deep bond and connection that is there for a lifetime. I wish this was the first thought that came to mind when I use the word "intimacy".
  Unfortunately this word has become perverted in today's society. You can rarely use the word "intimate" without it having some sort of sexual connotation. When trying to be polite or discrete, we will often use the term "being intimate" instead of saying "having sex". Today we have been sold on the idea that sex is the short-cut to intimacy; or even sadder still, that sex is the replacement of intimacy. Now don't get me wrong, sex is a wonderful thing in its proper setting; but sex is shallow and empty when it is used to try to replace intimacy.

I have thought a lot about intimacy these past few months.
The deep bond that I share with Norma, my children, God, and a few friends that know me best. Intimate relationships are forged with time, there are no short-cuts. Because through the course of time you will experience it all; joy, pain, celebration, heartache, failures and success. Time is the great revelator.
There is a song entitled "Even When it Hurts" performed by the worship band Hillsong. It has been one of my favorite songs for more than a year now, long before my health events of this past summer.  During a recent chapel service my friend, Pastor Joe Angelo, ran the video of this song and asked each of us to pick out a line of this song and share why it was significant to us.
I had to smile, Pastor Joe had no idea how many times I had played this song while in my hospital room just a few weeks ago. I knew the line before he clicked on play,
"Even when it hurts like hell
 I'll praise You"
There were many intimate moments that I experienced during my twelve days in the hospital, but there are two that I would like to share with you now.
The first I shared with Pastor Joe and those that were in that Thursday morning chapel service.
It was my fifth night in the hospital and Norma had not left my side. She had sat during the day and slept during the night in an uncomfortable reclining chair next to my bed. It was the night before my surgery. The cancer had been found the day before, we had spent the day talking with the doctors. We had covered as many scenarios as possible and had talked about all the "what if's" that we could handle. Emotionally, we were spent. It was late and all that we could do now was to wait and try to get some rest. It was the only night we did this, but that night Norma laid with me in that little hospital bed. We held each other until we fell asleep. Nothing sexual happened, we didn't even say much; but in our twenty-one years of marriage it was one of the most intimate moments that I have ever experienced.
You see, you don't always get to plan your intimate moments. But the more time you spend with someone, the more likely it is that you will become intimate.
The second moment happened a few nights later. I had come through the surgery well and I had convinced Norma to go to my mom's house to shower and sleep in a real bed. Our house seemed too far away and mom only lived ten minutes down the road, so Norma could live with that. I was alone in my room. I was still in a lot of pain, I had not gotten the testing results of the cancer cells back yet and my mind was filled with questions and concerns. I needed to pray, I wanted to talk with my Father.
 Now to some of you this may sound odd, but I am only sharing what happened that night. I personally believe that we are often surrounded by spiritual forces, both heavenly and demonic. They watch and they listen because what we say and do matters in the seen and the unseen realms. This night however, I wanted to speak freely without anyone or anything else to hear what I had to say. As I began to pray I asked the Lord to seal the room, I asked God to remove any other presence from the room so that I could talk to Him openly, just me and God. What I experienced that night was one of the most open and honest discussions with God that I have ever had. It was an intimate time that has changed my relationship with my Father in ways that I am only beginning to understand. But again, I would have never chosen this moment to be intimate with God. I didn't want to have cancer, I didn't want to be cut open and have my insides dissected. I did not want this pain, but because of the years that I have spent with my God I knew that He is a good Father. He gave me a peace and a strength that I had never thought possible, and He assured me that He was in control. It is a moment, and an experience that I would never want to be taken away from me.

In the past few weeks since I have returned home I have thought about something that I read some time ago. It has stuck with me even though I never really had a good understanding of what it meant. This may not be word for word, but it went something like this,
     It is a wonderful revelation and a meaningful relationship when we can see God as a good and caring Heavenly Father. But the next step, the life changing revelation is when we see Jesus as the Groom and the Church as His Bride.
Now I have shared many times about my need for a Father and how my relationship with God has fulfilled that void. But trying to imagine myself as being part of the Bride of Christ never was an image that I could understand, and honestly it just sounded a little strange. That was until I saw it modeled right before my eyes. I thought of Norma waiting for me for almost two weeks, sitting and sleeping in that chair. Not willing to leave and go home until I came with her. I am her love, her groom; and there was no other place for her to be other than at my side.

That is the love that I am supposed to feel for Jesus. He took all the pain, He endured the cancer; and His only reward was that I could be at His side and it made it all worth it, for now and for eternity. Is it such a high price to pay to sometimes have to sit in an uncomfortable recliner to stay by His side? After years of prayer and devotions, something that I had never really understood before now made sense because of what I had watched Norma, my bride, live right before my eyes. 

Christianity is not a set of rules; and salvation is not found in a prayer, it is found in a relationship. We were created to be intimate, with each other and with God. Sin took intimacy away from us but Jesus came and restored what we lost, but then He gave us so much more.
I am a doubly blessed man; to know my God as I do and to have a wife like Norma. Sometimes intimacy is sexy and romantic, but it goes so much deeper than that. I will spend the rest of my life trying to understand the depths of intimacy; but even when it hurts like hell, I'll praise You.

It has to Begin Here

It has been a month since my last post and what a month it has been, there is so much to tell.
 Several times I thought about sitting here and beginning to retell the events of the past thirty-one days, but I felt that the Spirit was holding me back. Partly I didn't want to do any serious writing while still on pain meds, so it has been seven days since I finished with the pain meds. I didn't want the blog to look like a drunk texting and wake up the next morning going, "My God, I didn't really write that did I ? " I do that enough without medication, LOL.

The hard part now is deciding where to begin, because this will take some time to tell. It may very well become a book someday, but it will begin here.

I went for a walk two nights ago. It was a beautiful bright full moon that night, just as it still is this morning. It's funny, the thing that I hear the most often is everyone telling me how good I look right now. I have lost a lot of weight this year, most of it in the past three months, but all totaled I have lost almost fifty pounds this year. I also hear many people say how positive my attitude has been through all of this. I have heard many stories of others who have received the diagnosis of cancer and they did not do so well, it left them in a bad state of mind, some for quite some time. As I thought about this, I knew where telling this story had to begin.

I cannot tell you my story without telling you about my Savior.

As I walked the other night I was talking with God. The question on my mind was how could anyone go through something like this on their own? For a moment the question came to my mind, "Lord, what would my mindset be if I were going through this on my own strength, without your Spirit holding me up and strengthening me? Maybe just for a moment You could step away, so that I would know what it felt like to do this without You? " But just as quickly as I had completed that thought I knew the answer to my question. The desperation and the hopelessness where immeasurable at just the thought of God removing His presence from my life. And like a little child peeking through the doorway into a dark room, that was as far as I needed to go. "Lord please don't leave me alone, not even for a moment" was all I could think.
I have always been fascinated with a particular story of Moses in the Old Testament. Moses would literally sit in the physical presence of God as they spoke together. It was so literal that Moses' face actually glowed from being in the Presence of God. It was so unnatural that it would unsettle the people of Israel to the point that they had Moses cover his face with a veil until the Glory of God that had saturated his body had diminished from his face.
I have often tried to imagine what this might have looked like. Now I am not trying to put myself on the same level as Moses, but in a way I do feel a similarity.
My strength does not come from my positive attitude, and I don't look great because I lost a bunch of weight. I honestly still feel like Hell most of the time, but I have drawn much closer to Jesus for strength and peace; I have often looked for time in His presence. I have to believe that what others are seeing right now is not how great I look, but an overflow of the goodness of God on my life. Most Christians will say that they want their life to be a reflection of Jesus, but that has taken on a whole new meaning to me these past few months.

If I try to tell you my story without telling you about Jesus then I would be a liar.

There is so much that is worth sharing, so many amazing and wonderful stories that have happened over the past several weeks and it is my intention to share them with you all. But this has to be the foundation, because in every story, in every situation my Jesus was right there with me.
In all of this I have thought that sooner or later the freak out would come, at some point the stress and the gravity of all of this would overwhelm me; but it never did. I have had a peace and strength in all of this that I cannot take the credit for, I am not that strong, not on my own.
Satan's original sin was the he coveted the Glory that belonged to God, and I don't want to make the same mistake.The Glory of my story is that God fought for me and that my healing was paid for on a Cross long before it found me in an operating room.
Many in my situation are identified as Cancer Survivors, but to be totally honest I do not like that title. A few weeks ago, God told me to "Walk like a Warrior" because He had conquered cancer in my life. Being labeled a survivor, to me, sounds to much like being a victim. There is a passage in Romans 8 that says it the best to me:

³¹ What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be^[i] against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? ³³ Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.^{[j] 35} Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? ³⁶ As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
    we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

If I am to be known, then let me be known as a Cancer Conqueror.
If you or someone that you have loved has battled cancer, know that I mean no disrespect. But we have been victims for far too long and in Christ Jesus we are more than conquerors!