Knowledge has weight, and a man who bares much knowledge must equally bare the strength to carry it. Knowledge can be a blessing and a burden, it is Wisdom that teaches a man which is best to carry and which is best to leave behind.
I saw the cancer doctor the other day and, once again, they drew two vials of blood to be tested. It's funny, this whole process began with a blood test. Little did I know, when they drew that first vial of blood the roller coaster ride that I was about to get strapped in for. But it would seem that under the microscope, there is an unseen story that is written in our blood.
Under the Microscope...
That is how I would best describe my life these past months. Almost everything I do, it seems, is thought through, picked apart, analyzed, charted, and deemed good or bad for me. It has been frustrating at times, I almost wrote a post a few weeks ago titled "My Life is $h@!" Because it felt like all I did was stare into the toilet bowl to analyze every bowel movement for blood, texture, amount, consistency, color... I was starting to feel pretty 'crappy' about the whole situation, lol. It was probably for the best that Norma talked me out of writing that post, even though it seems that I still managed to sneak it in this post ( sorry babe, you tried, ha-ha, I'm rotten )
Now, truth be told, I am grateful that the problem was found.
Sometimes our life needs to go under the microscope.
We know that something is wrong, all the warning signs are there; but whatever is going on, it isn't obvious to the naked eye. So we slow life down and take a look, sometimes at the smallest parts, until we find what is causing the pain and bringing us harm. It's not a comfortable process and often requires the help of others with a more trained eye. Privacy often feels like it is thrown out of the window while others pick our life apart, leaving us feeling exposed and even violated. Now when it comes to our physical health we understand this process and most often we will accept it, as uncomfortable as it may be. But how do we handle it when this process needs to be applied to our mental health or our spiritual health, because the two are often closely related. While it is hard to have your health placed under a microscope, it seems to become exponentially more difficult when it is your life that is placed under the microscope.
There is always a time that it becomes necessary to place life under the microscope, to determine what is healthy from what is causing harm. We may recognize the signs and symptoms but it is the microscope and trained eye that will expose the root, the cause of the illness. But there is something that we must understand before we place a life under the microscope; it is the Key to what will happen next, and all too often this is where we fail. Once the problem has been found, we need to act quickly and deal with the problem; but too often we find the problem and simply stare it under the microscope.
A microscope is meant for locating a problem, not staring at it...
When I was in the hospital, they spent four days scoping about every part of my body. It was an Endoscope that found the cancer. The endoscope was equipped with a camera that had the ability to take pictures, which they used to take several images of the cancer that was growing inside my colon. Now Norma was fascinated with these pictures and loved to show them to anyone that happened to be in the room. I, however, hated them. My only thought after seeing those images was "Get that cancer out of me!" and I never wanted to see those pictures again. The scope had served its purpose, it was much better than an exploratory surgery where they would blindly cut me open trying to find the problem. But now we knew what was wrong, and what needed to be done. Staring at the images only gave me anxiety; I wanted the surgery that would make things right, even knowing that it was going to be painful.
But again, this is where we often fail people. We place their life under a microscope only to expose the problem and then stare at. We call everyone that we can find to look into the microscope and see what it is that we have found; we have no idea how to fix it, just that we have found it. This happens most often, it seems, with public figures and their children; particularly when they no longer please us. Is it any wonder when the scrutiny becomes too great, we are all human after all. We all have faults and make mistakes, could any of us spend every moment of our lives like that? No, as beneficial as the microscope may be; it has it's time and it's place, and then we must move on. Because the microscope has limits and it must be balanced. What we gain from it, can also be what is lost.
But let's change perspective for a moment, and come back to this point later....
I started out talking about a doctors visit and having my blood drawn. Our life's story is written in blood, and sometimes we bleed. I don't know anyone that has faced a health crisis and said that it was fun. We will fight for our life, and fights get bloody. We often think that it is strength that will win the fight, but the experienced fighter knows that the right strategy can turn strengths into weaknesses. I have fought before, and I will fight again. But it is during times like these that I often find myself looking back at my life, remembering what I did right and what I did wrong to bring me to the place that I find myself now. When you're not sure that you will make it, sometimes it helps to remember when you did.
Going into Thanksgiving, this past week has messed with me a lot. Some things stay with you and some memories hold on tighter than others. I tried to play it cool, and in some ways I think that I tried to shut my emotions down; but my mom needing to have two stents put into her heart last week and one more next week really hit me hard. In part, it's that I just had the two stents put into my heart five months ago and it hits close to home in so many ways. But as some of you know, I lost my dad to a massive heart-attack on Thanksgiving Day; having mom go in for her heart so close to Thanksgiving was like a raw nerve being exposed. There was a thought that I pushed to the back of my mind that said "I can't do that again, not mom too".
It is always there, and when you have faced it you will learn to recognize it. Watch social media; at a time of family gatherings, gifts exchanged, and memories shared there are those that are hurting and ashamed for feeling that way. The worst that I have ever experienced this type of anguish happened ten years ago.
Christmas of 2006 was probably one of the darkest times of my life, yet it was because I had withdrawn and put myself in the dark that the darkness nearly overcame me. Dad had been gone for four years, but my anger and resentment towards God for taking him had only grown. Our house had burned at the beginning of the year and we were trying to rebuild, but the money had run out. My business was failing, I owed the I.R.S. and we were broke. Norma was pregnant with Isabella and 'deathly' sick during most of the pregnancy, which kept her almost completely bed-ridden. I would feed her chicken broth that she could rarely keep down, and then I would feed the boys who were very young at the time. Only after the boys went to bed would I eat their left overs because I could barely afford to keep the lights on, much less buy groceries. It was hard, but I was trying to keep it all a secret and that had made it so much worse. I had withdrawn and kept everyone that cared at a distance, in my mind, protecting them from my madness. It was like watching the world through a telescope, everything visible but still out of reach. Everyone at a distance; I could only see their joy and perfection, no one else seemed to suffer or experience pain. I only saw their beauty, while I felt ugly.
It was the second time in my life that I wrestled with suicide. Believe me when I tell you that Suicide is a Spirit, and it has a strategy. When you are to the point that you feel isolated and that no one could possibly understand what you are going through, you are in very dangerous territory. I would drive down the highway and literally wrestle with the steering wheel. With every bridge underpass I would feel the steering wheel pull towards the concrete supports and hear a whisper telling me to just let the wheel go and my pain would go away. There are times when it feels like you are holding on to life by a thread; that thread cuts and it hurts and you will bleed, but you cannot let it go. That was what I felt in those moments, I knew that I could not leave my boys with the same curse of not having a father; so I held on.
I cried when my mom called me on Christmas Eve to ask if I had any gifts to give the boys on Christmas. I thought that I had been hiding it all so well, but mom knew. She gave me $200.00. I waited and put the boys to bed, and just before Walmart closed on Christmas Eve, I spent that money down to the last penny so that the boys would have something to open that Christmas morning. I spent most of the night crying while I wrapped those gifts, praying to God. I didn't make any promises, I didn't try to cut any deals, I only asked and begged that God would help to get me through; and He did. I can't tell you the moment that it all changed, I didn't get to that place in a day but it was in that day I started to walk away from a place I hope to never see again.
I know that I am sharing a lot today, but my spirit tells me that it is important. Maybe you are beginning think that I have wandered too far, but I promise that I am going somewhere with this. You see, when it seems like you are so far removed that you can only see others through a telescope, when you feel isolated and alone; you are looking at a lie. A telescope will show you what is off in the distance, what your future may hold if you continue on a certain path; but it will distort what is closest to you, you will see at a distance but be blind to what is right in front of you. A microscope is limited in the same way. It can show you many things in great detail and yet leave you blind to what is right next to you. You may get so preoccupied with staring at someone's faults, you miss the friendship that they are holding out in front of you; or you can let you own fault's keep you at a distance, where real friends are seen as far and few between.
Bottom line is that you cannot go through life only looking through microscopes or telescopes, because you will not see all that God has made available to you.
One definition of the word 'scope' is "the opportunity or possibility to do or deal with something".
The scope of our lives can be limitless or very limited; it is only determined by our perspective, how we choose to view life. If you look at life from only one perspective it will become very limited and often will loose it's focus. God intended for us to experience life on all levels, some will be exciting while others may be intimidating; but none should be feared because He will always lead us to be the best 'us' possible.
Whatever you are experiencing right now, you can make it through.
If it is good, enjoy it.
If it is hard, hold on.
If you are able, share with others; and if you have nothing to share, be kind.
Happy Thanksgiving and God Bless!
Love, Damien
I saw the cancer doctor the other day and, once again, they drew two vials of blood to be tested. It's funny, this whole process began with a blood test. Little did I know, when they drew that first vial of blood the roller coaster ride that I was about to get strapped in for. But it would seem that under the microscope, there is an unseen story that is written in our blood.
Under the Microscope...
That is how I would best describe my life these past months. Almost everything I do, it seems, is thought through, picked apart, analyzed, charted, and deemed good or bad for me. It has been frustrating at times, I almost wrote a post a few weeks ago titled "My Life is $h@!" Because it felt like all I did was stare into the toilet bowl to analyze every bowel movement for blood, texture, amount, consistency, color... I was starting to feel pretty 'crappy' about the whole situation, lol. It was probably for the best that Norma talked me out of writing that post, even though it seems that I still managed to sneak it in this post ( sorry babe, you tried, ha-ha, I'm rotten )
Now, truth be told, I am grateful that the problem was found.
Sometimes our life needs to go under the microscope.
We know that something is wrong, all the warning signs are there; but whatever is going on, it isn't obvious to the naked eye. So we slow life down and take a look, sometimes at the smallest parts, until we find what is causing the pain and bringing us harm. It's not a comfortable process and often requires the help of others with a more trained eye. Privacy often feels like it is thrown out of the window while others pick our life apart, leaving us feeling exposed and even violated. Now when it comes to our physical health we understand this process and most often we will accept it, as uncomfortable as it may be. But how do we handle it when this process needs to be applied to our mental health or our spiritual health, because the two are often closely related. While it is hard to have your health placed under a microscope, it seems to become exponentially more difficult when it is your life that is placed under the microscope.
There is always a time that it becomes necessary to place life under the microscope, to determine what is healthy from what is causing harm. We may recognize the signs and symptoms but it is the microscope and trained eye that will expose the root, the cause of the illness. But there is something that we must understand before we place a life under the microscope; it is the Key to what will happen next, and all too often this is where we fail. Once the problem has been found, we need to act quickly and deal with the problem; but too often we find the problem and simply stare it under the microscope.
A microscope is meant for locating a problem, not staring at it...
When I was in the hospital, they spent four days scoping about every part of my body. It was an Endoscope that found the cancer. The endoscope was equipped with a camera that had the ability to take pictures, which they used to take several images of the cancer that was growing inside my colon. Now Norma was fascinated with these pictures and loved to show them to anyone that happened to be in the room. I, however, hated them. My only thought after seeing those images was "Get that cancer out of me!" and I never wanted to see those pictures again. The scope had served its purpose, it was much better than an exploratory surgery where they would blindly cut me open trying to find the problem. But now we knew what was wrong, and what needed to be done. Staring at the images only gave me anxiety; I wanted the surgery that would make things right, even knowing that it was going to be painful.
But again, this is where we often fail people. We place their life under a microscope only to expose the problem and then stare at. We call everyone that we can find to look into the microscope and see what it is that we have found; we have no idea how to fix it, just that we have found it. This happens most often, it seems, with public figures and their children; particularly when they no longer please us. Is it any wonder when the scrutiny becomes too great, we are all human after all. We all have faults and make mistakes, could any of us spend every moment of our lives like that? No, as beneficial as the microscope may be; it has it's time and it's place, and then we must move on. Because the microscope has limits and it must be balanced. What we gain from it, can also be what is lost.
But let's change perspective for a moment, and come back to this point later....
I started out talking about a doctors visit and having my blood drawn. Our life's story is written in blood, and sometimes we bleed. I don't know anyone that has faced a health crisis and said that it was fun. We will fight for our life, and fights get bloody. We often think that it is strength that will win the fight, but the experienced fighter knows that the right strategy can turn strengths into weaknesses. I have fought before, and I will fight again. But it is during times like these that I often find myself looking back at my life, remembering what I did right and what I did wrong to bring me to the place that I find myself now. When you're not sure that you will make it, sometimes it helps to remember when you did.
Going into Thanksgiving, this past week has messed with me a lot. Some things stay with you and some memories hold on tighter than others. I tried to play it cool, and in some ways I think that I tried to shut my emotions down; but my mom needing to have two stents put into her heart last week and one more next week really hit me hard. In part, it's that I just had the two stents put into my heart five months ago and it hits close to home in so many ways. But as some of you know, I lost my dad to a massive heart-attack on Thanksgiving Day; having mom go in for her heart so close to Thanksgiving was like a raw nerve being exposed. There was a thought that I pushed to the back of my mind that said "I can't do that again, not mom too".
It is always there, and when you have faced it you will learn to recognize it. Watch social media; at a time of family gatherings, gifts exchanged, and memories shared there are those that are hurting and ashamed for feeling that way. The worst that I have ever experienced this type of anguish happened ten years ago.
Christmas of 2006 was probably one of the darkest times of my life, yet it was because I had withdrawn and put myself in the dark that the darkness nearly overcame me. Dad had been gone for four years, but my anger and resentment towards God for taking him had only grown. Our house had burned at the beginning of the year and we were trying to rebuild, but the money had run out. My business was failing, I owed the I.R.S. and we were broke. Norma was pregnant with Isabella and 'deathly' sick during most of the pregnancy, which kept her almost completely bed-ridden. I would feed her chicken broth that she could rarely keep down, and then I would feed the boys who were very young at the time. Only after the boys went to bed would I eat their left overs because I could barely afford to keep the lights on, much less buy groceries. It was hard, but I was trying to keep it all a secret and that had made it so much worse. I had withdrawn and kept everyone that cared at a distance, in my mind, protecting them from my madness. It was like watching the world through a telescope, everything visible but still out of reach. Everyone at a distance; I could only see their joy and perfection, no one else seemed to suffer or experience pain. I only saw their beauty, while I felt ugly.
It was the second time in my life that I wrestled with suicide. Believe me when I tell you that Suicide is a Spirit, and it has a strategy. When you are to the point that you feel isolated and that no one could possibly understand what you are going through, you are in very dangerous territory. I would drive down the highway and literally wrestle with the steering wheel. With every bridge underpass I would feel the steering wheel pull towards the concrete supports and hear a whisper telling me to just let the wheel go and my pain would go away. There are times when it feels like you are holding on to life by a thread; that thread cuts and it hurts and you will bleed, but you cannot let it go. That was what I felt in those moments, I knew that I could not leave my boys with the same curse of not having a father; so I held on.
I cried when my mom called me on Christmas Eve to ask if I had any gifts to give the boys on Christmas. I thought that I had been hiding it all so well, but mom knew. She gave me $200.00. I waited and put the boys to bed, and just before Walmart closed on Christmas Eve, I spent that money down to the last penny so that the boys would have something to open that Christmas morning. I spent most of the night crying while I wrapped those gifts, praying to God. I didn't make any promises, I didn't try to cut any deals, I only asked and begged that God would help to get me through; and He did. I can't tell you the moment that it all changed, I didn't get to that place in a day but it was in that day I started to walk away from a place I hope to never see again.
I know that I am sharing a lot today, but my spirit tells me that it is important. Maybe you are beginning think that I have wandered too far, but I promise that I am going somewhere with this. You see, when it seems like you are so far removed that you can only see others through a telescope, when you feel isolated and alone; you are looking at a lie. A telescope will show you what is off in the distance, what your future may hold if you continue on a certain path; but it will distort what is closest to you, you will see at a distance but be blind to what is right in front of you. A microscope is limited in the same way. It can show you many things in great detail and yet leave you blind to what is right next to you. You may get so preoccupied with staring at someone's faults, you miss the friendship that they are holding out in front of you; or you can let you own fault's keep you at a distance, where real friends are seen as far and few between.
Bottom line is that you cannot go through life only looking through microscopes or telescopes, because you will not see all that God has made available to you.
One definition of the word 'scope' is "the opportunity or possibility to do or deal with something".
The scope of our lives can be limitless or very limited; it is only determined by our perspective, how we choose to view life. If you look at life from only one perspective it will become very limited and often will loose it's focus. God intended for us to experience life on all levels, some will be exciting while others may be intimidating; but none should be feared because He will always lead us to be the best 'us' possible.
Whatever you are experiencing right now, you can make it through.
If it is good, enjoy it.
If it is hard, hold on.
If you are able, share with others; and if you have nothing to share, be kind.
Happy Thanksgiving and God Bless!
Love, Damien
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