Can I Quit Now?

I am tired.

My father told me a story....once.
It was a pretty dismal Saturday afternoon, cold and rainy. We were sitting on the couch watching a movie, not too unusual; but at the same time, it was. We were watching a war movie, which was unusual because I had never remembered watching one with my dad before. As we were sitting there he just randomly began telling me of  a firefight that he had fought in Vietnam. They had fought for seven days, nonstop. They had to pour oil over the barrels of the larger guns because the guns had become so hot that the barrels were starting to glow and warp. They were at an impasse, too tired to continue fighting but each side refusing to surrender. A cease fire was agreed upon, twenty-four hours to rest and then the fighting would continue...and it did.
Dad didn't say much more, in a few hours he would disappear. He was gone for three days that time, as a boy it was one of his worst benders that I can remember. I understood after that day why we never watched war movies in our house and why Dad rarely talked about his time in the military. For a long time I blamed myself for that day. Why had I chosen that movie, why did I let him tell me that story?
But I was just a boy, and it would be a long time before I understood my father in the way that I do now. My father was awarded the medal of Naval Commendation and the Purple Heart, he was a hero; but most hero's have scars.

Too tired to fight, but refusing to surrender.
 It feels like I have used all my strength to get to this point, but I know that I have much more ahead of me. Now before it starts to sound too dismal I will say that I have not lost faith, and I have no intention of giving up. But I am tired.
I recently told a friend that this almost seemed easier when everything was happening too fast to think about it, when I survived on faith alone. When you are fighting to survive you focus on the fight, but it is in the down time that you begin to feel the effects of the battle. I had so much strength and determination at the onset but as I have gotten better it feels like I am worse.

The surprise attacks show us how capable we are, but the long battles show us what we are made of.

I wish that I were invincible, I suppose that everyone does. My troubles are not unique, and my pain is no greater than anyone else. I have no reason to complain, I don't even want to, but today has been a hard day none the less. Not because of what I have been through, but because of the unknown that still lies ahead. These are the moments that change our lives; not what we do with what has happened, but what we do with what comes next.
I struggle most with feeling useless. I know that I should take advantage of the downtime, even enjoy it, because it will be over soon enough. Life will get busy, and even a new normal will become routine. I have been through down times before but apparently it still has not made me an expert with what to do with myself. I watch my friends, busy, often wishing that they had more time to relax; yet here I am, with all the time in the world, wanting to return to being busy. I know better, the busy finds you, rarely do you need to go looking for it.

Normally I wouldn't take the time to write this, it is hard to be vulnerable when you are already feeling weak. The words do not come easily when all you really want to do is sit in silence.

I didn't want to go to church Sunday night. I have been in pain and I am tired, I didn't want to smile and tell everyone that I am fine, but God knew what I did need. A woman who carries burdens far greater than mine held my hand and with a sincerity in her eyes that words cannot describe; she told me how much my writing encouraged her, that she did not feel alone at times when she did not feel her strongest. I did not feel worthy of her praise, nor her appreciation; truth is that day I had been thinking my writing made little difference in this world, and maybe is wasn't worth the effort. I will always write because of what it means to me, but I can do that much in a journal. Putting my thoughts out there for others is much more intimidating, after all, being vulnerable is hard for a guy who dreams of being a super-hero, lol.
Thank you Susan.
My other struggle was being a part of the prayer team that night. I would have avoided the Hero tent (it's what we call the volunteer table) that night had Krissy not called me over and asked if I wanted to sign in. Putting on that PRAYER lanyard in bold red print made me feel like the biggest hypocrite in the building; I didn't want to talk to God about how I was feeling, much less do it for someone else.
But in my weakness, He is proven strong.
I prayed for two people that night. The first was a woman that I had never met, she came with a broken heart. My words felt weak and I was sure that my feeble prayer had made little difference, but as I finished I saw her eyes filled with tears. I hugged her and in that moment I wished that all the strength within me could be transferred to her, I told her that she was going to make it, that she would be OK. Secondly, I prayed for a friend and he strengthened me more than I ever could have blessed him.

There is a book titled The God I Never Knew. Honestly, I have not read this book yet, but the title has been stuck in my mind. I thought that I knew God well enough to get me through all of this; but it's not what I "know" that keeps surprising me. It's the things that I never knew that He continues to show me; that even if I am not quite ready to finish, I know that I can never quit.
I don't know when this "cease fire" of mine will come to an end, and I pray that I will be strong enough to return to the fight when it does. And even though that in this moment I may be tired, I am also grateful for so much more. It all matters, even if only in the smallest of ways. I thank God for reminding of this, and I thank you all for standing with me. My prayer is that I will be there to return that kindness one day when it is needed.

                                                    Good Night and God Bless,
                                                                                                  Damien

Through a Telescope or Under the Microscope...How do You SEE Life?

Knowledge has weight, and a man who bares much knowledge must equally bare the strength to carry it. Knowledge can be a blessing and a burden, it is Wisdom that teaches a man which is best to carry and which is best to leave behind.

I saw the cancer doctor the other day and, once again, they drew two vials of blood to be tested. It's funny, this whole process began with a blood test. Little did I know, when they drew that first vial of  blood the roller coaster ride that I was about to get strapped in for. But it would seem that under the microscope, there is an unseen story that is written in our blood.

Under the Microscope...

That is how I would best describe my life these past months. Almost everything I do, it seems, is thought through, picked apart, analyzed, charted, and deemed good or bad for me. It has been frustrating at times, I almost wrote a post a few weeks ago titled "My Life is $h@!" Because it felt like all I did was stare into the toilet bowl to analyze every bowel movement for blood, texture, amount, consistency, color... I was starting to feel pretty 'crappy' about the whole situation, lol. It was probably for the best that Norma talked me out of writing that post, even though it seems that I still managed to sneak it in this post ( sorry babe, you tried, ha-ha, I'm rotten )
Now, truth be told, I am grateful that the problem was found.

Sometimes our life needs to go under the microscope.

We know that something is wrong, all the warning signs are there; but whatever is going on, it isn't obvious to the naked eye. So we slow life down and take a look, sometimes at the smallest parts, until we find what is causing the pain and bringing us harm. It's not a comfortable process and often requires the help of others with a more trained eye. Privacy often feels like it is thrown out of the window while others pick our life apart, leaving us feeling exposed and even violated. Now when it comes to our physical health we understand this process and most often we will accept it, as uncomfortable as it may be. But how do we handle it when this process needs to be applied to our mental health or our spiritual health, because the two are often closely related. While it is hard to have your health placed under a microscope, it seems to become exponentially more difficult when it is your life that is placed under the microscope.
There is always a time that it becomes necessary to place life under the microscope, to determine what is healthy from what is causing harm. We may recognize the signs and symptoms but it is the microscope and trained eye that will expose the root, the cause of the illness. But there is something that we must understand  before we place a life under the microscope; it is the Key to what will happen next, and all too often this is where we fail. Once the problem has been found, we need to act quickly and deal with the problem; but too often we find the problem and simply stare it under the microscope.

A microscope is meant for locating a problem, not staring at it...

When I was in the hospital, they spent four days scoping about every part of my body. It was an Endoscope that found the cancer. The endoscope was equipped with a camera that had the ability to take pictures, which they used to take several images of the cancer that was growing inside my colon. Now Norma was fascinated with these pictures and loved to show them to anyone that happened to be in the room. I, however, hated them. My only thought after seeing those images was "Get that cancer out of me!" and I never wanted to see those pictures again. The scope had served its purpose, it was much better than an exploratory surgery where they would blindly cut me open trying to find the problem. But now we knew what was wrong, and what needed to be done.  Staring at the images only gave me anxiety; I wanted the surgery that would make things right, even knowing that it was going to be painful.
But again, this is where we often fail people. We place their life under a microscope only to expose the problem and then stare at. We call everyone that we can find to look into the microscope and see what it is that we have found; we have no idea how to fix it, just that we have found it. This happens most often, it seems, with public figures and their children; particularly when they no longer please us. Is it any wonder when the scrutiny becomes too great, we are all human after all. We all have faults and make mistakes, could any of us spend every moment of our lives like that? No, as beneficial as the microscope may be; it has it's time and it's place, and then we must move on. Because the microscope has limits and it must be balanced. What we gain from it, can also be what is lost.
But let's change perspective for a moment, and come back to this point later....

I started out talking about a doctors visit and having my blood drawn. Our life's story is written in blood, and sometimes we bleed. I don't know anyone that has faced a health crisis and said that it was fun. We will fight for our life, and fights get bloody. We often think that it is strength that will win the fight, but the experienced fighter knows that the right strategy can turn strengths into weaknesses. I have fought before, and I will fight again. But it is during times like these that I often find myself looking back at my life, remembering what I did right and what I did wrong to bring me to the place that I find myself now. When you're not sure that you will make it, sometimes it helps to remember when you did.
Going into Thanksgiving, this past week has messed with me a lot. Some things stay with you and some memories hold on tighter than others. I tried to play it cool, and in some ways I think that I tried to shut my emotions down; but my mom needing to have two stents put into her heart last week and one more next week really hit me hard. In part, it's that I just had the two stents put into my heart five months ago and it hits close to home in so many ways. But as some of you know, I lost my dad to a massive heart-attack on Thanksgiving Day; having mom go in for her heart so close to Thanksgiving was like a raw nerve being exposed. There was a thought that I pushed to the back of my mind that said "I can't do that again, not mom too".

It is always there, and when you have faced it you will learn to recognize it. Watch social media; at a time of family gatherings, gifts exchanged, and memories shared there are those that are hurting and ashamed for feeling that way. The worst that I have ever experienced this type of anguish happened ten years ago.

Christmas of 2006 was probably one of the darkest times of my life, yet it was because I had withdrawn and put myself in the dark that the darkness nearly overcame me. Dad had been gone for four years, but my anger and resentment towards God for taking him had only grown. Our house had burned at the beginning of the year and we were trying to rebuild, but the money had run out. My business was failing, I owed the I.R.S. and we were broke. Norma was pregnant with Isabella and 'deathly' sick during most of the pregnancy, which kept her almost completely bed-ridden. I would feed her chicken broth that she could rarely keep down, and then I would feed the boys who were very young at the time. Only after the boys went to bed would I eat their left overs because I could barely afford to keep the lights on, much less buy groceries. It was hard, but I was trying to keep it all a secret and that had made it so much worse. I had withdrawn and kept everyone that cared at a distance, in my mind, protecting them from my madness. It was like watching the world through a telescope, everything visible but still out of reach. Everyone at a distance; I could only see their joy and perfection, no one else seemed to suffer or experience pain. I only saw their beauty, while I felt ugly.
It was the second time in my life that I wrestled with suicide. Believe me when I tell you that Suicide is a Spirit, and it has a strategy. When you are to the point that you feel isolated and that no one could possibly understand what you are going through, you are in very dangerous territory. I would drive down the highway and literally wrestle with the steering wheel. With every bridge underpass I would feel the steering wheel pull towards the concrete supports and hear a whisper telling me to just let the wheel go and my pain would go away. There are times when it feels like you are holding on to life by a thread; that thread cuts and it hurts and you will bleed, but you cannot let it go. That was what I felt in those moments, I knew that I could not leave my boys with the same curse of not having a father; so I held on.
I cried when my mom called me on Christmas Eve to ask if I had any gifts to give the boys on Christmas. I thought that I had been hiding it all so well, but mom knew. She gave me $200.00. I waited and put the boys to bed, and just before Walmart closed on Christmas Eve, I spent that money down to the last penny so that the boys would have something to open that Christmas morning. I spent most of the night crying while I wrapped those gifts, praying to God. I didn't make any promises, I didn't try to cut any deals, I only asked and begged that God would help to get me through; and He did. I can't tell you the moment that it all changed, I didn't get to that place in a day but it was in that day  I started to walk away from a place I hope to never see again.

I know that I am sharing a lot today, but my spirit tells me that it is important. Maybe you are beginning think that I have wandered too far, but I promise that I am going somewhere with this. You see, when it seems like you are so far removed that you can only see others through a telescope, when you feel isolated and alone; you are looking at a lie. A telescope will show you what is off in the distance, what your future may hold if you continue on a certain path; but it will distort what is closest to you, you will see at a distance but be blind to what is right in front of you. A microscope is limited in the same way. It can show you many things in great detail and yet leave you blind to what is right next to you. You may get so preoccupied with staring at someone's faults, you miss the friendship that they are holding out in front of you; or you can let you own fault's keep you at a distance, where real friends are seen as far and few between.
Bottom line is that you cannot go through life only looking through microscopes or telescopes, because you will not see all that God has made available to you.

One definition of the word 'scope' is "the opportunity or possibility to do or deal with something".

The scope of our lives can be limitless or very limited; it is only determined by our perspective, how we choose to view life. If you  look at life from only one perspective it will become very limited and often will loose it's focus. God intended for us to experience life on all levels, some will be exciting while others may be intimidating; but none should be feared because He will always lead us to be the best 'us' possible.
Whatever you are experiencing right now, you can make it through.
  If it is good, enjoy it.
 If it is hard, hold on.
If you are able, share with others; and if you have nothing to share, be kind.

Happy Thanksgiving and God Bless!
                                                                Love, Damien