It has been a month since my last post and what a month it has been, there is so much to tell.
Several times I thought about sitting here and beginning to retell the events of the past thirty-one days, but I felt that the Spirit was holding me back. Partly I didn't want to do any serious writing while still on pain meds, so it has been seven days since I finished with the pain meds. I didn't want the blog to look like a drunk texting and wake up the next morning going, "My God, I didn't really write that did I ? " I do that enough without medication, LOL.
The hard part now is deciding where to begin, because this will take some time to tell. It may very well become a book someday, but it will begin here.
I went for a walk two nights ago. It was a beautiful bright full moon that night, just as it still is this morning. It's funny, the thing that I hear the most often is everyone telling me how good I look right now. I have lost a lot of weight this year, most of it in the past three months, but all totaled I have lost almost fifty pounds this year. I also hear many people say how positive my attitude has been through all of this. I have heard many stories of others who have received the diagnosis of cancer and they did not do so well, it left them in a bad state of mind, some for quite some time. As I thought about this, I knew where telling this story had to begin.
I cannot tell you my story without telling you about my Savior.
As I walked the other night I was talking with God. The question on my mind was how could anyone go through something like this on their own? For a moment the question came to my mind, "Lord, what would my mindset be if I were going through this on my own strength, without your Spirit holding me up and strengthening me? Maybe just for a moment You could step away, so that I would know what it felt like to do this without You? " But just as quickly as I had completed that thought I knew the answer to my question. The desperation and the hopelessness where immeasurable at just the thought of God removing His presence from my life. And like a little child peeking through the doorway into a dark room, that was as far as I needed to go. "Lord please don't leave me alone, not even for a moment" was all I could think.
I have always been fascinated with a particular story of Moses in the Old Testament. Moses would literally sit in the physical presence of God as they spoke together. It was so literal that Moses' face actually glowed from being in the Presence of God. It was so unnatural that it would unsettle the people of Israel to the point that they had Moses cover his face with a veil until the Glory of God that had saturated his body had diminished from his face.
I have often tried to imagine what this might have looked like. Now I am not trying to put myself on the same level as Moses, but in a way I do feel a similarity.
My strength does not come from my positive attitude, and I don't look great because I lost a bunch of weight. I honestly still feel like Hell most of the time, but I have drawn much closer to Jesus for strength and peace; I have often looked for time in His presence. I have to believe that what others are seeing right now is not how great I look, but an overflow of the goodness of God on my life. Most Christians will say that they want their life to be a reflection of Jesus, but that has taken on a whole new meaning to me these past few months.
If I try to tell you my story without telling you about Jesus then I would be a liar.
There is so much that is worth sharing, so many amazing and wonderful stories that have happened over the past several weeks and it is my intention to share them with you all. But this has to be the foundation, because in every story, in every situation my Jesus was right there with me.
In all of this I have thought that sooner or later the freak out would come, at some point the stress and the gravity of all of this would overwhelm me; but it never did. I have had a peace and strength in all of this that I cannot take the credit for, I am not that strong, not on my own.
Satan's original sin was the he coveted the Glory that belonged to God, and I don't want to make the same mistake.The Glory of my story is that God fought for me and that my healing was paid for on a Cross long before it found me in an operating room.
Many in my situation are identified as Cancer Survivors, but to be totally honest I do not like that title. A few weeks ago, God told me to "Walk like a Warrior" because He had conquered cancer in my life. Being labeled a survivor, to me, sounds to much like being a victim. There is a passage in Romans 8 that says it the best to me:
31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be[i] against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.[j] 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written,
If I am to be known, then let me be known as a Cancer Conqueror.
If you or someone that you have loved has battled cancer, know that I mean no disrespect. But we have been victims for far too long and in Christ Jesus we are more than conquerors!
Several times I thought about sitting here and beginning to retell the events of the past thirty-one days, but I felt that the Spirit was holding me back. Partly I didn't want to do any serious writing while still on pain meds, so it has been seven days since I finished with the pain meds. I didn't want the blog to look like a drunk texting and wake up the next morning going, "My God, I didn't really write that did I ? " I do that enough without medication, LOL.
The hard part now is deciding where to begin, because this will take some time to tell. It may very well become a book someday, but it will begin here.
I went for a walk two nights ago. It was a beautiful bright full moon that night, just as it still is this morning. It's funny, the thing that I hear the most often is everyone telling me how good I look right now. I have lost a lot of weight this year, most of it in the past three months, but all totaled I have lost almost fifty pounds this year. I also hear many people say how positive my attitude has been through all of this. I have heard many stories of others who have received the diagnosis of cancer and they did not do so well, it left them in a bad state of mind, some for quite some time. As I thought about this, I knew where telling this story had to begin.
I cannot tell you my story without telling you about my Savior.
As I walked the other night I was talking with God. The question on my mind was how could anyone go through something like this on their own? For a moment the question came to my mind, "Lord, what would my mindset be if I were going through this on my own strength, without your Spirit holding me up and strengthening me? Maybe just for a moment You could step away, so that I would know what it felt like to do this without You? " But just as quickly as I had completed that thought I knew the answer to my question. The desperation and the hopelessness where immeasurable at just the thought of God removing His presence from my life. And like a little child peeking through the doorway into a dark room, that was as far as I needed to go. "Lord please don't leave me alone, not even for a moment" was all I could think.
I have always been fascinated with a particular story of Moses in the Old Testament. Moses would literally sit in the physical presence of God as they spoke together. It was so literal that Moses' face actually glowed from being in the Presence of God. It was so unnatural that it would unsettle the people of Israel to the point that they had Moses cover his face with a veil until the Glory of God that had saturated his body had diminished from his face.
I have often tried to imagine what this might have looked like. Now I am not trying to put myself on the same level as Moses, but in a way I do feel a similarity.
My strength does not come from my positive attitude, and I don't look great because I lost a bunch of weight. I honestly still feel like Hell most of the time, but I have drawn much closer to Jesus for strength and peace; I have often looked for time in His presence. I have to believe that what others are seeing right now is not how great I look, but an overflow of the goodness of God on my life. Most Christians will say that they want their life to be a reflection of Jesus, but that has taken on a whole new meaning to me these past few months.
If I try to tell you my story without telling you about Jesus then I would be a liar.
There is so much that is worth sharing, so many amazing and wonderful stories that have happened over the past several weeks and it is my intention to share them with you all. But this has to be the foundation, because in every story, in every situation my Jesus was right there with me.
In all of this I have thought that sooner or later the freak out would come, at some point the stress and the gravity of all of this would overwhelm me; but it never did. I have had a peace and strength in all of this that I cannot take the credit for, I am not that strong, not on my own.
Satan's original sin was the he coveted the Glory that belonged to God, and I don't want to make the same mistake.The Glory of my story is that God fought for me and that my healing was paid for on a Cross long before it found me in an operating room.
Many in my situation are identified as Cancer Survivors, but to be totally honest I do not like that title. A few weeks ago, God told me to "Walk like a Warrior" because He had conquered cancer in my life. Being labeled a survivor, to me, sounds to much like being a victim. There is a passage in Romans 8 that says it the best to me:
31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be[i] against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.[j] 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written,
“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor
height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to
separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
If I am to be known, then let me be known as a Cancer Conqueror.
If you or someone that you have loved has battled cancer, know that I mean no disrespect. But we have been victims for far too long and in Christ Jesus we are more than conquerors!
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