The Most Difficult Thing To Share

As I was lying in bed this morning, I recalled a conversation from years ago.

I was speaking with a very good friend, a man who had endured many hard times but had always trusted the Lord. We shared stories of trials that seemed hopeless in that moment, until God showed up and made a way where there had seemed to be no way. We both concluded that God was always faithful, even though we did not always understand His ways. And then I made a statement that caused both of us to pause for just a moment,
 - "There is a feeling when the weight of the heartache is lifted, that moment when you know that God has just answered your prayer. You take in a deep breath, and your heart feels as light as the air that has just filled your lungs. You have just witnessed the miracle and you know that everything has just worked itself out.
One day, I hope to have the kind of faith that can experience that kind of feeling, without yet having received my answer. To stand in the middle of the trial with the peace of completely trusting God with the outcome. A heart that is light, while the burden is still heavy." -
 It has been at least ten years since I had that conversation, yet I still recall it as if it had just taken place ten minutes ago.

There has been a great deal on my mind recently, but as I was lying in bed this morning I came to a realization. Today I have the opportunity to experience that kind of faith. The faith of Job when he declared,  "Naked I came out from my mother's womb, and naked I will return there. Yahweh gives, and Yahweh takes. Let Yahweh's name be blessed."  Job 1:21; or when he pleaded in 13:15, "Even though he kills me, I'll continue to hope in him. At least I'll be able to argue my case to his face!" 
Job never knew that his story was going to be written down so that we might study it, and be encouraged by it for thousands of years. There are two key factors that are central to the story of Job, his suffering and his faith. Both were recorded so that we might fully see the greatness of God.

The most difficult thing to share is that we don't always understand what God is doing, or how things are going to play out in the end. Especially when we don't know what could have been done differently.

It becomes increasingly difficult to lie to the people of God, especially when you feel the Lord compelling you to be open with them.
Friday night I was at the church for a special service. I had gotten there early and was just enjoying wandering around, striking up random conversations and catching up with friends. I found myself talking with Pastor Joe. We talked about his recent vacation to New York, we talked about our families and our children, and then he asked me how I was doing. I gave my usual answer that I was okay, but somehow in that moment, I could tell that he saw through that answer. 
He asked again, "No, really, how are you doing?" 
I insisted, "I'm fine, I'm just feeling too old for all of this, I'm probably just tired."
I could see in his eyes that he was seeing more than I was ready to share, but he didn't press. He did make the comment that Moses was eighty years old when God used him to bring Israel out of Egypt, So I was still young and God has plenty of time to use me. Pastor Joe said, "You know that your second half can still be greater than the first." At that, we chuckled, I gave him a hug, and we went on our way.
Saturday morning I woke around six a.m. I decided to go for a walk, I needed to pray and hopefully clear my head a bit. There are some things coming this week that I don't want to tell you about, things that seem too personal, things that make me feel vulnerable when spoken aloud. But for whatever His reasons, God told me that He was going to make me a "spectacle". Last year He set things into motion with my health, and our family that has caused many people to take notice of our lives. So what I share now is not to gain sympathy, nor is it because I am in despair or afraid. I want the opportunity to stand before men and God and say that even though this weight might crush me, my heart is light because I trust my God.

Last Thursday, I went with Norma to the hospital for a biopsy of a large lump on her breast. It is deep and sitting on the muscle which is causing her pain. It will have to be removed, the biopsy is only to determine how aggressive the surgery and treatment will have to be. Neither of us want to hear the word cancer again, but Norma's response was this: "Whether it is cancer, or it isn't; I can't change that, I can only trust that God will see me through this." We will get the results of that biopsy on Tuesday and make preparations for the coming surgery to remove the mass.
This Thursday, Norma and I will stand before a judge in bankruptcy court. Eight months of not working last year and all the medical bills that I accumulated has wiped us out financially. We have been behind for months and have not been able to catch back up, but we don't want to loose our home. I won't lie and say that I have always been faithful in giving my finances to God, but we have tried this past year. Not every one of my decisions have been the best, and I have made mistakes; I don't blame God for this situation. But in truth, I do feel like I have failed.
I am supposed to be Batman, a superhero that can stand and defy any odds, and always come out on top to save the day. But these past few months I have felt weaker instead of stronger. I have not quit trying, but for all my trying nothing seems to get better. Even the walk I took as I prayed yesterday morning took it's toll on my body. My old ankles, still damaged from a motorcycle accident from eighteen years ago, gave out about two-thirds of the way. I could barely walk the rest of the day, and I am still in quite a bit of pain this morning. I am no superhero.
I went to bed last night thinking about the message that I had heard on Friday night. 
GOD'S VOICE CAN CHANGE EVERYTHING, and I needed to hear God's voice.
It came to me at one a.m. I woke up and in my spirit I heard one verse,

‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty. 

I went back to sleep with the peace that I had been searching for. I woke up this morning and looked up the verse in Zechariah 4, and then I went on to read the entire book. 
I do not have the strength to get through what is ahead us, nor do I have the means at my disposal to fix any of it; But I do have the Spirit of God living inside of me, and I trust my God. He has seen me through so much, how can I doubt and fear that He might fail me now? 

My neighbor saw me limping last night and asked if I was alright. He had seen me coming home earlier in the morning as I was returning from my walk and had said hello. I told him that I had just walked too far that morning and had over done it. He remembered and said, "That is from your motorcycle accident right? You have been through a lot. Actually, you have been through more than any man that I have ever known." At that we both kind of chuckled and I said, "I'll be OK."
But afterwards I began to realize something, people know me. I have a story that is starting to be told. But as my story is told, will I be known for my tragedies or will I be known for my faith. Everyone could see Job's tragedy, but his faith was revealed by his words. It's what you say in your tragedy that reveals your heart. So this Sunday morning, the first day of the week, the day of new beginning; I want to praise my God for seeing me through the week. I trust Him, no matter what the outcome or the circumstance, He is faithful and He is just. I may still have to carry the burden, but I let the weight rest on Him and my heart is light. 

Thank you Jesus for saving me and standing with me through every moment of this life that I have been so richly blessed to enjoy. 

I still hold onto this verse, it has been with me for a year now; and becomes more significant with each passing day.
 "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."
Luke 22:42

The Furnace

I was a little unsure, but I was ready to try and start a daily blog; that was almost two weeks ago.

Life seemed to come at me pretty hard the past few weeks, and I really wasn't sure why.
I had started studying the lives of Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. You would think by now that I would have realized what was happening. You see, I have come to understand one undeniable truth in my efforts to become a writer these past few years. It is something that God has revealed to me, slowly and patiently.

If I am willing to write it, I must also be willing to live it.

I finished my last blog with a question, Where was Daniel as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego faced the Fiery Furnace?

I did my homework, and I read a lot of possible theories. Men with much greater knowledge and understanding than I have asked this same question. There are many plausible ideas, but in the end there is one undeniable, common consensus; we do not know where Daniel was, the Bible simply does not tell us.
But my lesson was not over. Many times we must first define the question, before we are ready to receive the answer. I had asked a question that I did not fully understand, I needed time to learn; and as with many of the things of God, to learn them is to live them.

From the time of their captivity Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego had proven that they were willing to stand with Daniel in their stand for God. Now, whatever the reason, it is pretty clear that God chose Daniel to stand out in this group. It was Daniel that received the interpretation of Nebuchadnezzar's dream, and he would be the one to be elevated to the highest position; but God did not leave Daniel to stand alone. Daniel was able to see that his friends were appointed to positions of authority, they would remain close. But choosing to stand with a friend, does not mean that you will stand next to them in every trial. As I have prayed and asked for wisdom concerning my question of where was Daniel, I heard the Lord put this statement in my spirit.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego had proved that they were "willing" to stand with Daniel,
The Furnace proved that they "could" stand by him.

Daniel was a gifted leader and a devoted man of God. He would serve four kings, and he remained in the royal court through each ones reign. He had been established by God in his position, and now God would establish Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego as well.
King Nebuchadnezzar already held Daniel in the highest regard.

 Daniel 2:
 46 Then King Nebuchadnezzar fell prostrate before Daniel and paid him honor and ordered that an offering and incense be presented to him.

47 The king said to Daniel, “Surely your God is the God of gods and the Lord of kings and a revealer of mysteries, for you were able to reveal this mystery.”

48 Then the king placed Daniel in a high position and lavished many gifts on him. He made him ruler over the entire province of Babylon and placed him in charge of all its wise men.

49 Moreover, at Daniel’s request the king appointed Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego administrators over the province of Babylon, while Daniel himself remained at the royal court.

It's possible that he may not have required Daniel to bow to the image, but he would not have recognized these three young men in the same way, even if they did claim to serve Daniel's God. There would have been other Israeli refugees in the kingdom at that time, but it seems that only these three had the courage and conviction not to bow.
I believe that Daniel was there the entire time watching this event play out. His place may have been in the royal court, but it was not his place to intervene on this day. I believe that Daniel had to stand there and pray for his friends, believing that God would do what was best; just as his three friends believed as well. No one knew what the outcome would be, they only knew what was right and what they must do.

Daniel 3:

16 Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter.

17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand.

18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” 

 

Sometimes we just don't know how things will work out, we have to leave that part up to God. But we can be willing to live up to our part. Most of the time there is only one Daniel appointed by God. But in my time contemplating this story, I believe that every Israeli captive had the opportunity to stand with Daniel. Only three were willing to accept that position, to have Daniel's back when it mattered; and the furnace proved their worth. 

One day Daniel would stand alone and face the lion's den, but I am convinced that he was not the only one that would spend that night in prayer. 

There are those that we will choose to stand with, but we must also allow God to determine who is proven to be able to stand. It can be an uncertain process, but it is often God's way of proving us.

 

 

 

Defenseless

 Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter, if we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”      Daniel 3:16-18

 Quite often, this is what it looks like when God calls upon you to "be the wall".

The past few blogs I have talked about just a few of the times when I had "hit the wall", as my pastor called it. Those impossible moments, when it feels like you have nothing left, no strength, no resources, no options; except the will, and the call to keep going. 
In all honesty, the past few days have been like hitting a wall. I have stared at this screen in complete frustration. I have written pages, only to delete them. Knowing that there was something to share, but it was like my hands and my head could not connect and I just could'nt get a hold of the words that I felt in my spirit. 
For three days I had written daily, and I was nervous about that. I was afraid that I did not possess enough information, inspiration, or talent to step up to a daily blog. And then for three days it seemed like my fears where right. 
In all honesty, I had nothing until this morning. It has been a long week. I have had some health issues that were causing a lot of discomfort, that I finally had to resolve last night. I was tired and I felt weak as I laid in the bed this morning. I was having one of those twilight dreams, half-awake, half-asleep; when someone in the dream said,"you scare me, because you are my wall." But then they explained that it was a good thing; it was a wall that kept them from doing harm to themselves, and that they were grateful for such a person that was willing to stand in such a place.

There are four young men in the book of Daniel that 'hit the wall' more than once, yet they always placed there trust in God. As you read the story of Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego you will see that what truly made them outstanding was simply their devotion to God. No matter what the circumstance, they would honor God first and above all else. They never protested, or rebelled; they submitted to the authorities that were in place, as long as they would not have to dishonor their God. And they did everything in excellence
There is a sense of irony to this story. They had been elevated to positions of power because of the dream that Daniel had interpreted for King Nebuchadnezzar. They had stood with Daniel and they had prayed with him, and they had found favor in the eyes of God and man. But Nebuchadnezzar's vanity always seemed to get the better of him. God had showed him in a dream the power and the future of his empire, but instead of praising God, he saw the opportunity to praise himself. In the dream, the golden head of the giant statue represented the kingdom of Nebuchadnezzar; so now he would build a giant ninety foot golden statue of himself for all to worship.
 All it seems for, except the four young men who would only worship their God,
That was the impassible barrier, the place where there was no compromise. They had lived in captivity in a foreign land, they had taken the new names that had been given to them, they wore the clothes and they assumed the titles that were placed upon them; but they had never been unfaithful to God. I believe that they were well aware of what might happen to them when they were summoned with all of the leaders of Babylon, to come and worship the image of this king. But they were not called to fear the fire, their only passion came in praising God.

Our impossible situations are God's proving grounds. 

When these three men were thrown into the fiery furnace, it was only what bound them that burned away. Even their clothes did not smell like smoke, because they were not bound by the positions or titles that their clothing would have represented. Their hair and beards did not singe, because they had openly acknowledged that their wisdom and glory was all from God; no man had bestowed it upon them, not even the king. They were not harmed, because they belonged to God and only God would decide their fate. 
A nation would watch these men 'hit the wall'. A nation would watch as these men would loose everything because of their devotion to their God. And because of their devotion to God, they became the wall that would stop a nation dead in its tracks. Every leader of Babylon saw the power of the God of Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah on that day, and there was no way to get around it. Because God Himself showed up in the fire for all to see.

I have come to believe that the walls we encounter in life are never meant to crush us. But they do become part of us, those experiences that become our stories. They build us, so that one day we will have the strength to stand. Whether it is before our family, coworkers, employers, friends, enemies, and for some even leaders and nations; we will have the strength to stand for God. To not be bound by anything that this world could offer, our only devotion to God. It is in those impossible times that God will become the most visible in our lives, but only after we have learned to keep our eyes on Him.
So if you are hitting a wall right now, keep your eyes on Him; call out to Jesus and ask Him to step into your situation. Or have the strength to stand, be the wall that stands in the way to destruction and causes others to see the presence of God. In it all, just praise God and leave the fires up to Him.



 There is one after thought in all of this. I had considered writing it into today's blog, but I am feeling led to save it for tomorrow. Something to think about, a question that I have wondered, 

"Where was Daniel in all of this, where was he  as his friends were thrown into the fire?" 

Intersections

As I have gotten older, it becomes increasingly rare that life offers the simple choice of left or right. Not because the decisions themselves are that much more complicated, it is because I have a better understanding of the consequences of those decisions. 

As children, we must learn the difference between right and wrong, but as we mature, it is the consequences that we will spend much of our time trying to understand. But then the risk becomes allowing the consequences to control our decisions, and not just basing them on the principles of right and wrong. 

Welcome to life.

It all begins to look like a network of highways, rather than a simple crossroads. A slight veer to the right or the left can potentially put us on the wrong road, it is easy to become so afraid of doing the wrong thing that you are paralyzed into doing nothing.

Today I am still thinking about the consequences of "hitting the wall", and how important it is to keep going. Even when you aren't sure what might be around the corner, you have to trust that God can see what you cannot. Not all crossroads come with warning signs, and sometimes the answers don't come right away. But if you will just keep moving forward, God will remain faithful. Again I am reminded of something that happened to me years ago, a morning when a simple intersection became a very significant crossroad.

Just a few miles from my house is the intersection of Willowcreek Road and Route 20; to this day I use that intersection quite often, even though I was almost killed there, twice. 

I will never forget that first close call. 

Some years ago I owned a business, and for a time it did well. This particular morning I was sitting at that intersection waiting for the light to turn green. I sobbed as I clenched the steering wheel, because I was sure that I was about to fail. I had just taken on the largest contract that I had ever had, I had an impossible deadline, I was three days in and I hadn't even gotten started yet, I even needed employees that I hadn't hired yet! The boys were little and we had just bought a new house; I was sure that I was in over my head and I was beginning to panic. So I sat there praying waiting for the light to turn green, on that dark morning before the sun had even risen. As I pleaded to God for help and wisdom, the light finally had changed. I was still so lost in thought and prayer that I simply took my foot off the brake and began to roll forward. Just then, a semi truck that was trying to beat the light, flew through the intersection at, at least, 60 mph. He missed my front bumper by inches. Had I hit the gas pedal and pulled out, like I normally do; he would have obliterated me. Terrified, I slammed on the brakes; I only hope that I scared him just as much as he did me. After I checked my underwear, and for more trucks, I pulled out and went about the rest of my day. And I did make it through that day, and the next day, and the day after that; I fulfilled that contract, along with many more that followed after that one. 

And life moved on.

But as memorable as that was, it is not the reason that I remember that intersection so well. Three years later, I found myself at that same intersection, again sobbing as I clenched the steering wheel waiting for the light to turn green. I had failed, and I was going to close my business. I had recently lost my largest customer to new ownership. I had to layoff all of my employees and there were no more contracts. Norma was pregnant and had been very sick during most of her pregnancy; I was afraid to tell her that I thought we might loose the house too. It seemed like everything had fallen apart and I had no idea what to do next. So I sat there praying as I waited for the light to turn green, on a dark morning before the sun had even risen. As I begged God for help and wisdom, the light finally changed. And in a surreal moment of deja vu, as I started to pull forward a semi truck took the light and missed my bumper by inches. I instantly remembered the first time that this had happened three years before, and all that had been going through my mind on that morning. In that moment the Lord spoke to me as clearly as if He had spoken out loud, 

"I got you through it then, and I will get you through this now."

It has been ten years since that morning. The business is gone, but I have still made a living. We kept the house, but it is my wife and children that make it our home. Above all, God has always been faithful to see me through. I have made good and bad decisions and have lived with the consequences of both; but I keep going. It is an amazing race, with plenty of surprises around each corner to keep it interesting. Some roads don't always end in the way that we had envisioned, but that can't be known until you have gone as far as you can go. As the poet, Robert Frost said;

Two roads diverged in a wood, And I - 

I took the one less traveled by, 

And that has made all the difference.