Hitting a Wall

It never ceases to amaze me, how certain memories come back when you would least expect them to.
Now I would have thought that as Pastor Dave spoke about "hitting a wall" on Sunday morning, that one of my more "recent" events would have come to mind. But instead, I found myself thinking back to something that happened back when I was eighteen years old.

It was the spring semester of 1991, and I was attending a small Christian college in Pensacola, Florida. It was actually the only semester of college that I would attend, but there are some lasting memories that were made in those five short months.
I didn't really go for the education, it was more of a timeout than anything. Things were pretty bad at home during that time. Dad was deep in his addictions and I had a major chip on my shoulder about it. More than once things almost got very violent, had mom not stepped in the middle; so it was decided that dad would go to rehab, and I would go to Florida to put some space between us.
The first half of the semester I did what I was supposed to do. Went to class, did my homework, got good grades, but about halfway through, I had what was probably a nervous breakdown, if only a minor one. I would wake up some mornings and not be able to remember what my classes were for that day. I quit doing my schoolwork and I had no interest in keeping up with my grades. My roommates actually thought that I might have mono, because all I would do was go to my classes, ride my bicycle and sleep.
It was that bicycle that probably saved me that year. Now this was not your standard off the rack Huffy that you would buy at Walmart. It wasn't top of the line either, but it was a pretty nice mid-range Schwinn touring bicycle. I had taken interest in cycling a few years before and had bought myself the bicycle with some summer job money. I put a lot of miles on that bicycle, even before going down to Florida. But that spring, I was averaging 100 to 150 miles a week. If I didn't have class, or have to work my on campus job, I was off campus riding along the coastline.
Now for several reasons, most of my own doing, I didn't have very many friends down there. I was a bit of a loner, mostly stuck in my own thoughts. I did find out that a lot of people recognized me because of that bicycle. Again, it was a small campus with a strict dress code; and apparently my cycling shorts did draw some attention as I peddled across the campus each day, lol.
But this particular week, I did find myself engaging in a few dinner conversations. It was quite common to have guest speakers for our chapel services throughout the week. But recently there had been a pastor who had given a message that had been deemed "controversial, and not in agreement with the guidelines of this institution." Needless to say, it was further stated that he would never be invited back and we should disregard what we had heard. But I could not understand what was so wrong with what we had heard.
I can't tell you chapter and verse, not twenty-seven years later; but I do remember the main point of the message, Relationship. He talked about a walk with God that focused on relationship and not just rules. Relationship that might sometimes depend on wisdom in situations where the rules did not seem to apply. He spoke of having such a real relationship with God that you could go to Him for anything and He would hear you. He even challenged those who were skeptical to give it a try. Pray a bold prayer that demanded an answer, something that only God could answer, something that only God could receive the credit for answering. I had never really been taught to pray that way, it almost seemed disrespectful; however I felt the truth of it in my spirit, and could not get it out of my mind. But in a very conservative school that focused heavily on the rules, it was basically blasphemy; and it made it very difficult for me to pursue the topic with most of my fellow collegians.

So where does a bicycle fit into this story?

It started on a Saturday morning.
I was always looking for new roads to ride and new places to ride to. I had heard several times of a place called Ft. Walton Beach and I had a rough idea on how to get there. Rarely did I bother to tell anyone where I was going, no one ever seemed to care. So Saturday morning, I signed out and I was on my way. It was a nice morning and I was enjoying some new scenery, even if it was just a flat rural highway. The miles passed by and I just peddled on. Cycling has a quiet rhythm that is easy to get lost in, so I really wasn't paying attention to how many miles I had ridden. It was around 30 miles that I noticed I had not seen any signs of the town yet, but I thought that I had already come this far so I might as well keep going. It turned out to be just under 50 miles to Ft. Walton Beach, a bit more than I had anticipated. I was a little tired but otherwise alright; it was the time that I had not factored for. To get back to school before my pass would run out at dinner time, I needed to start the trip back right away.
No problem, I thought, I would just eat a quick lunch and get on my way. I was about thirty minutes into the trip back when the weather starter to take a drastic turn for the worse. A bad storm came in off the gulf, the wind started to blow, the temperature went from 80 to 50 degrees, and it started to rain. Rain doesn't really begin to describe it, it was a downpour.
At this point I probably still had about 40 miles left to ride before I would get back to campus. I was soaking wet, freezing cold, and exhausted. The wind was driving what strength I thought I had left, right out of me. I could barely pedal fast enough to keep the bicycle upright, and my legs were cramping bad. Several times I had to get off the bike and walk the cramps out of my aching muscles, but I soon realized that I was facing another problem. It was taking much longer to make the trip back and I was going to run out of daylight long before I would make it back. As I processed my situation, I determined that I only had one real option; I began to pray!
I prayed like I had never prayed before. I told the Lord, "Here is your chance. That man said that if I  sincerely wanted to know that you could hear me, and that you truly do listen; then I could ask that you prove it. Well, here is your chance God. I have no way to call for help, nobody even knows that I am out here; but I need a ride. Send someone to pick me up and get me back to school, and I will know that it was you." I must have prayed that way for almost an hour. Trying to keep pedaling, walking off the leg cramps, watching it slowly get darker. And then the moment came, I was done praying because God was not going to answer. It was going to be the worst ride of my life, but I would ride in the dark until I made it back. I would get into trouble for being back late, and I did not care. "Screw it, I'll make it back on my own." And so I kept riding.
It had been about thirty minutes, when a head popped out of the window of a passing car,
"DAMIEN?!?", was all that I heard.
I started waving frantically for the car to pull over. It was my room mates three best friends, on their way back to campus. "What are you doing out here?", they asked. I just told them to put the bike in the trunk, and I would explain on the way back to school.
 God had heard my prayer.

I have always seen that day as the day that God proved to me that He was listening, that was the day that He proved to me that He was real. But this past Sunday morning, as I listened to Pastor Dave teach about "Hitting a Wall", I had another realization from that day. God did not just prove Himself to me, He also had me prove to myself that I could keep going. I had hit the wall, but I did not quit. I would need that quality as much as I would need God in the years to come, and still do to this day.
Life has thrown a few things at me since I was eighteen, but God taught me to keep going. I have had to sit and rest at times; but I have never quit, and I pray that I never will.

Shadows or Substance

T.S. Eliot once said that "good writers borrow, great writers steal."

Now, I may not yet be a great writer, but I do think that I understand his statement.
Let's say that you gathered together a dozen painters, and you placed them all on the same hilltop one evening. You supplied them all with the same paints, brushes, and canvas; and you told them to paint the sunset as they all faced to the West. What do you think would be the result? Would you get twelve exact copies of the same sunset; or would you have a dozen different interpretations, all unique works of art?
In the same way, words paint pictures in my mind. As I read or listen to another's words, I am often inspired, The images begin to take shape in my mind, and I paint with words until the screen tells a story. This particular story was inspired by Taylor as she spoke, teaching on a Thursday morning for chapel. Her title was "Shadows and Substance". Now, in all fairness, I did tell her that I was going to steal some of her material from that morning. And in typical Taylor fashion, she returned my statement with a big smile and said, "go for it". Taylor inspired me that morning, I don't write to correct or improve on anything that she had taught; I only write to share my interpretation of what I learned with her wise words.

I saw two types of believers in the church today, and contrary to what is popular in most comparisons, I am not setting out to criticize either one. The greatest call, the greatest desire of any believer should be the passion to point others towards Jesus. We are all meant to reveal the presence and power of a living and loving God. Yet there are still many debates in modern Christianity as to the most effective and biblical ways to do so. And then the thought came to me, we are all either Sundials or Solar Panels.
Sundials have been around for centuries. They can be simple and they can be beautiful, some are small and practical, while others can be quite large, ornate works of art. The technology of a sundial is simple; placed correctly, the point of the dial will cast a shadow using the light of the sun to indicate the time. The drawback to the sundial is just as simple, with out the sun there is no shadow. The sundial is not broken, it is still positioned correctly, but it can only do it's job when the sun is shining down. It's true of a lot of Christians as well. They are sincere and they are genuine, and as long as God is shining down they can be quite effective. They accurately cast a shadow of God's presence and point the way for many others. But when the clouds gather, or the night comes they sit dormant; waiting for the sun to return. They are still sundials, timeless and true, but without a sunny day they can do little but wait.
Solar Panels use the same source for power, but are a different technology altogether.  They collect and store the energy given off by the sun, and convert it into power that can be used at any time. Solar Panels don't look much like sundials either. They are not ornate, most are practically designed. Their main function is to store energy, but they are only useful when that power is tapped into and channeled into something else. Even on a cloudy day or after the sun has set, a solar panel's usefulness is not diminished. But a solar panel in and of itself does anyone little good. The power of the panel must be connected to something that can utilize that power for it to be useful to anyone. There is a parallel in Christianity as well.
It is not enough to just sit and soak in God's presence. Studying scripture, devotion to prayer, and time in deep worship will all create power in the believers life; but it is only in serving that you tap into that power and make it useful. There are too many "supercharged" Christians; full of untapped power they sit on the shelf, and  are as useful as a sundial on a stormy day. It is easy for one to criticize the other, to point out the flaws and shortcomings of each others design. But both are powered by the same source, both receive  their usefulness from the Son.  God will use the faithful sundials to reveal His presence, just as He will charge the panels to reveal His power in the darkness. But God's power cannot be contained for long, and it must be distributed through service to others. The greatest threat to either is allowing this world to overshadow your life and block out the sun entirely.

However you view yourself believer, you are only useful as you spend time in the Son. Use His light and power to reveal His presence to this world, and you will enjoy a meaningful and useful life; not only in this life, but throughout eternity as well.

Matthew 5:14 “You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. 15 No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.

Foreword

 

In physics, energy is the property that must be transferred to an object in order to perform work on – or to heat – the object, and can be converted in form, but not created or destroyed.
Common energy forms include the kinetic energy of a moving object, the potential energy stored by an object's position in a force field (gravitational, electric or magnetic), the elastic energy stored by stretching solid objects, the chemical energy released when a fuel burns, the radiant energy carried by light, and the thermal energy due to an object's temperature.
Living organisms require available energy to stay alive, such as the energy humans get from food. Civilization gets the energy it needs from energy resources such as fossil fuels, nuclear fuel, or renewable energy.
(From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia)

I'm not sure if a little science lesson is the best way to start a book, I've never written a book before; but it was, in fact, the mention of kinetic and potential energy that inspired me to start this endeavor.

We all learned about it back in school, not knowing if it was really going to be that important or even relevant to life in the future. To my surprise, for the last ten years in particular, it's understanding has been critical to my survival. Kinetic energy is pretty easy to recognize, in one way or another, it's moving. But Potential energy sometimes takes a keener eye to recognize. 

Working in a steel mill for the past ten years, I have learned the importance of recognizing potential energy. In my very first week there was a horrible tragedy that resulted in the fatality of a coworker. He had spent over forty years working in the mill and was four days away from his retirement. It came down to a four inch steel pin, a pin that quite literally stayed the swing of the gate between life and death. The steel pin locked a swing arm holding a massive counter balance in place. For unknown reasons, the pin simply failed; causing the arm that supported the weight to swing down crushing the man between the counter weight and a steel beam. It was a horrific accident that I can never forget.
I almost quit that first week.
Everyone knew about the movement of that arm, and the type of energy that it created as it moved. While the pin restricted the kinetic energy of the arm, it did not remove it's potential energy. In reality, the position in which the arm had been placed actually increased its' potential energy instead of neutralizing it. With the pin no longer restraining the arm that potential energy became, quite literally, life changing.
It was a tragic but very valuable lesson to learn in my first week.

Just because something is restricted or even still, it does not mean that its' potential has been removed. In fact, its' potential may be increasing with each passing moment, until it reaches the point that the force behind the potential becomes greater than that which is holding it back.


Life has often been symbolized by the rush and the flow of a winding river. Following the course of life, adapting to the terrain and to the seasons. At times a gentle stream, and at others, roaring rapids; with an occasional waterfall just to keep it unpredictable. There are dry seasons when the water is shallow, and there are seasons of rain when the banks will overflow. But the river is life, and life is always abundant where there is water.
A river is kinetic energy as it flows, and man, since ancient times, has learned to use that energy. To add that energy to his own, to harness it and use it to assist in his endeavors. The river not only provides life, but it can produce power as well; to those that understand how to harness it.
 
 Prov 18:4

The words of a man's mouth are deep waters, a flowing river, a fountain of wisdom.

But where do the deep waters come from? While it is true that some rivers are deeper than others, there is another way to increase the depth and power of any river.

A dam is a barrier that temporarily stops the flow of the river and creates a reservoir, and once the reservoir has filled, the water will crest the dam and the river will continue to flow again, or it may get diverted and flow in an entirely different direction altogether. The kinetic energy of the river basically never changed; but, properly harnessed, the potential energy of the reservoir can be impressively greater. The depth and the volume of the reservoir is simply determined by the size of the barrier that was created in order to contain it.

A man's potential is often increased in his adversity. Some men are more powerful than others, in truth, we were not all created equally. There are those who naturally posses greater intelligence, deeper strength. more abundant resources; but they are the same as those who have less, in the fact that all people, man and woman alike, have their limits. Everyone of us have encountered a time or a situation that we could not seem to find a way through. Time seemed to stand still, progress was halted and the only solution was to simply wait. It is quite often during those times, even without our realization, that our potential is being increased. The dam wall is being made stronger and larger. In our limited view, we see a barrier that is holding us back; but in fact, it is becoming a crucial part of the structure of our lives. Without the dam, we would have remained shallow and quite limited in our power; but through it, we achieve a depth that we would have not experienced otherwise and posses a potential power that is far greater than any single stream could have ever produced.
But potential power can remain dormant, sometimes indefinitely. We can often sense it and still not recognize it, occasionally it spills over the edge and causes others to see it in us; but even that does not guarantee that the potential will be fully realized.  We all have a kinetic energy, the pace and presence at which we move through life effecting those around us. But to attempt the extraordinary, to do something that would require something greater we often must go through a process of releasing potential. The encouraging part is that the potential is only there because someone saw the future need for it and put in place what was necessary in order to create it.

So how does this become my book?

Like the dams of the past century, there came the realization that the flow of the reservoirs could be directed through a turbine and that potential energy could be combined with the power of gravity to generate electricity. It is the transformation of potential to kinetic where the energy increases, both in its value and usefulness, exponentially.
If I were a river I would not be recognized by a great name. I am as common as a stream on the edge of a field, that few would stumble across as they themselves journeyed through life. I cannot say that I know why, but many years ago, the God that I love began to place barriers in my life. Quite often I misunderstood them and thought that they needed to be removed, I fought against them and even resented them. Yet still He persisted, and all that flowed into me seemed to pool up; for years I felt still, even stagnant. What I could not see was that the dam wall had become large enough for others to begin to take notice. Those with keener vision and more experience began to see my potential. They began to encourage me to look deeper than just the shallow stream that wanted to go with the flow. The dam wall that had held me back for so long was actually the barrier wall protecting my potential.
Writing is my turbine and my reservoir is filled with words. Words that tell the stories of my past, my experiences and my mistakes. The times that I have spent receiving revelation from the Lord and the times that I felt abandoned and in despair, each come to life as I share them through written words. My joy and even my adventures now seem to swirl in an expectation, that as they are shared they will be transformed and transferred into something more than just words. It is my hope that the potential of my words will be combined with the power of my prayers, and produce an energy that will inspire others to seek the means of releasing their own potential.

This is the endeavor that I am about to undertake, and I invite you to join me. It is new to me, and I cannot say for sure where it will lead. But I suppose that potential is often unpredictable, until the moment that it is released.

The Cemetery of the Soul

  "Why is light given to him who suffers, And life to the bitter of soul,  Who long for death, but there is none, And dig for it more than for hidden treasures,  Who rejoice greatly, And exult when they find the grave?  "Why is light given to a man whose way is hidden, And whom God has hedged in?  "For my groaning comes at the sight of my food, And my cries pour out like water. "For what I fear comes upon me, And what I dread befalls me.  "I am not at ease, nor am I quiet, And I am not at rest, but turmoil comes."            Job 3:20-26

The tragedy is not that all men die, it is that some die long before they reach the grave.

"I am going to make you a spectacle." 
I still remember when God spoke that to my spirit. I was sitting on my couch, as I am right now writing this, studying and looking for direction. There was an ominous tone to the message. It was not a warm and fuzzy feeling, nor did the message bring me much comfort. In a couple weeks I would discover that I had cancer. I thought that I had received enough attention from the heart attack, but the next fight would bring even more notice. Since then I have come to a realization.
My writing, even my speaking, is most impacting when I am transparent. We live in a world of filters, diet plans, workout videos, even catfish, it is increasingly difficult to find a person who has learned to be content with who they really are. I realize that I am far from what I hope to be, and I struggle with changing who I am. But who I am right now is all that I have to offer, so I make due, until a day comes through God's grace that I can offer someone more worthy to serve those that the Maker has entrusted to me.

Job is my favorite character in the Bible, many have recently likened me to Job and his trials. All of this has caused me to realize that I wish I would have picked someone else to admire and emulate. (I'm slightly grinning as I make that statement) But over the years, through each experience I understand Job more and more and I also marvel at the integrity of his life. Like Job, I truly do believe in God, it's not just religion or church to me, but there is a real relationship and God is my Father. With that being said there is something that I will share that I have rarely spoken aloud.
 I do not fear the grave.
During the motorcycle crash I told myself over and over again "I will not die" because I was not ready, it was not my time. The heart attack was different, though just as sudden, I wasn't afraid, at least not for the same reasons. I knew that I was dying on the operating table, I could feel it. But I did not make the statement "I will not die" in that moment, instead there was just one question that I asked God. It was the question that I believe held me here, it was the only thing that mattered to me in that moment. My question was,
 "What about my family?"
 I believe my decision that followed was best described by the Apostle Paul in Philippians 1:23-26

 I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me.  But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live.
 Knowing this, I am convinced that I will remain alive so I can continue to help all of you grow and experience the joy of your faith.  And when I come to you again, you will have even more reason to take pride in Christ Jesus because of what he is doing through me.

One of the greatest tragedies of all is living. 
Please do not misunderstand, I wholeheartedly believe that life is a gift and I am grateful to be alive. But in the midst of tragedy there are times when life can hard. Surviving all that I have takes a toll. Physically, my body is tired and there has been much pain, even still. Financially, between loss of time working and added medical expenses we are left bankrupt. If you begin to dwell on those things alone, you begin to find yourself in a sad place psychologically.
I do begin to understand Job, and yet I understand how much more he suffered. Satan is misguided and he is selfish, which is why he is defeated. Satan thought his greatest attack was against Job himself by taking away his health, but any good father would know that his greatest blow had already been dealt. What Job had already lost was my reason to keep living, so the answer is no, I am nowhere near the man of integrity that Job proved to be.

If you live long enough, you will loose something. For some these loses begin far too early in life, but none the less, loss affects us all. There is a cemetery that each of us carries inside our soul. It is where we keep the memories of what was lost to us throughout our life. At times we are required to return to this place, so that something lost can be laid to rest. It is natural and it is necessary for this to be done, and done well we will continue on our journey of life. I know this place of the soul well, I have been there many times and it is how I have developed the sight to see others as they visit there as well. But I see a great tragedy, one that seems to be increasing. Sometimes the graveyard becomes a prison, and a person finds themselves unable or unwilling to leave. Graveyards are meant for visitation, not habitation. When you spent all your time around what has died and what has been lost, you will begin to be drawn towards death and loss as well. There is a point as you are drawn in that death and loss are no longer ideas, they become spirits that call you out and know your name. I can assure you that I am no longer in that place, but there was a time when I had wrestled with Suicide and I know his voice well; and I have been in the presence of Death enough times to know when he is near. But I  would not tell you all of this and leave you without hope.

“Why do you seek the living among the dead?"       Luke 24:5b

There is only One who has the power to enter the grave and leave again alive. Too often we enter the cemetery hoping to resurrect something that was no longer meant to be, but there is nothing tangible that we were meant to take from such a place. We only see the graves when we look down, but if you will look up, you will notice that there is always life surrounding every cemetery. Sidewalks and streets, homes and neighborhoods, schools and hospitals leave no cemetery to be an island that is separated or untouched. The Bible says that we were born dead in our sin, and that it is only through Jesus that we can receive new life. Jesus is the One, the only One, that can forever lead you out of the cemetery, because He has the power to pioneer the way.
Life was meant to be lived, we were meant to live.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.      John 10:10
Don't let your cemetery become your prison, trapped inside your own soul. Everyone desires to be released at some point, and when we loose sight of the Life, Death begins to appear as our only option.
I may have chosen to stay for my family, but it is my desire that I might enrich the life of anyone that my life touches. The most valuable thing that I posses is my relationship with Christ, and it is meant to be shared. Please don't think me to be pushy or preachy, it's not my style. But I have walked through the darkness and now find myself in the light. It is far better to be in the Light, and I simply invite you to join me.